Friday, August 26, 2005

August is winding down. The leaves are starting to yellow, and the breath of the air this week has been much cooler. This means that Pete has about four weeks until his finals, and that we are now only about 5 weeks away from our wedding. It means that our time together for the next month or so will be stolen time, and each moment is worth treasuring.

The other night, he came over to the place Kate and I are housesitting and sat down at the desk and studied for three hours while I watched Middlemarch (which was quite long enough to last the three hours and then some!). It felt so special to be in the same room with him, even though we weren't talking. I think it's one of my favorite memories ever, just having him close doing what he needed to do as I rested. Every once in a while, I could peek over the couch and just watch him going between his book and his computer, focused and diligent. And very, very handsome. He's so boyish sometimes, so unaware of his surroundings. I love it when he's soft and safe like that.

The first thing I noticed about Pete was actually a physical attraction. I know--those of you who know me are probably wondering *what*??? I just about died when I realized that I was actually attracted to Pete! And here he was, working on MY hall! I already was trying to avoid him, because Vanessa had told me at one point he was looking for a wife. Which he wasn't. But that wasn't the point. Being attracted to him gave me a *lot* more reason to *not* talk to him. Now, though, I really enjoy watching him move. He's a fencer (loves it!), and is really hoping to get back into fencing soon so that he won't lose his edge. I love his smooth walk and carefully placed movements, and I love to watch him run. He carries himself with a dignified grace--not anything proud or swaggery, just quiet and unobtrusive.

Early in our friendship, I discovered his willingness to listen. After all the pain I had experienced, there was no, "time heals all wounds" or "just get over it." Later, as our friendship grew, I told him all about my past, and each time I'd talk to him, he would not judge, but listen and pray and ask questions that made me feel like a person again, instead of a "good Christian." He still does that.

Another thing I value about Pete is his gentleness. He is deeply gentle. He hurts for those who hurt, and even though sometimes he hurts me physically when we goof off (just because he's a boy... :-P), he has always been so gentle with my heart. Even when he fell in love with me and I wasn't in love with him, he offered that gentleness, never demanding that I give him a chance, seeking God's face about what to do, still continuing to be my friend instead of turning away from me in anger or frustration. Gentleness is the mark of the strongest men I've ever known, I think.

His eyes. I love his eyes. Sometimes they are snappy cinnamon, full of fun and laughter and merriment. When he is happy, they are a golden amber, the color of ripened wheat in the sunlight. They turn almost black when he is angry and spit out sparks of gold, and when he is sad, they are pools of deep, dark chocolate. He talks with his eyes. I love watching them, gazing into them, seeing the smile inside of them or touching the ache that I see coming from within.

I love Pete's laughter. He is so ticklish and he hates it when I tickle him, but sometimes I can't help it, just to hear him laugh! He he lights up all over and the sound comes all the way from his belly! Sometimes the laughter is silent and he nearly falls over because it's so funny, and then he's got these almost-sobbing sighs that tell me that his tummy hurts from laughing so hard!

I like his deep voice in the mornings, and the way that he is soft-spoken with me and with others. Even when he shouts, it's not loud or abrasive. His voice is so comforting to me. Last summer, I fell asleep after hours of convulsions to the sound of him talking with Kate over my head about God. There was no safer feeling, ever, and when I hear his voice, everything is okay again.

I love watching him interact with other people. He's so good with them, and he really cares about them. I miss people so many times. I get so caught up in my own world and in what I have to do that I forget to notice people, but he never does. He always takes the time to really talk to someone and to really listen to them. When he's interacting with his guy friends, just joking around, he has such a good sense of humor, and a wonderful ability to speak with them and get along. When he is in the room, people are just a bit more comfortable, and he's very good in high pressure situations when people aren't getting along. He has had several accountability partners who call him, and his door (or cell phone) is always open to them when they really need him.

He has a passionate loyalty to the people he loves. Even when he has been hurt, he isn't willing to jump out and criticize them or reject them. He still has at least one friend from his growing up, and his loyalty for the Lord has actually gotten me lectured on occasion when I was mad at God about something.

Pete is very, very random sometimes. He wants to name our first daughter Senobia. Senobia Sauer. I said no. Because the first time he referenced that name was in relation to a penguin that his fencing students had purchased for him. One of our first conversations in our friendship revolved around a sick walrus. And llamas have been a theme for a while. "Bob's Llama Farm" used to call me to wake me up in the morning. "Do you know where YOUR llama is?" That might explain the "slideshow" on our blog. :-D A couple days ago, I asked him if he had anything he wanted to share with me, and he wrote, "Fiddles and poodles sound alike someimtes. However, piddling fiddles doesn't make any sense, whereas piddling poodles does make sense." I am thoroughly lost, but thoroughly impressed most of the time.

He is a poet, but not always in writing. When he speaks to me sometimes, softly and romantically, his voice becomes lyrical in its quality as he tells me what he sees in me. Stars and flowers and sparkles and dreams are not foreign to his mouth. I LOVE that about him! I feel completely out of place, because it's as if I'm another woman in another, much more magical world. He makes me feel like a princess!

He laughs at my jokes. This is a very big plus. *merry laugh*

He loves me unconditionally. His love is so like God's love I can't escape the reality that God does love me, and whether I want to admit it or not, I do know that God loves me because of the picture He's given me in Pete's love for me. I feel as if I take advantage of him--there isn't a thing he wouldn't do for me!

Pete loves children. He just returned from CO, where he was spending time with his sister Amy and her family. Amy and her husband were shocked at how well the kids liked him! I think it was just because kids know when they're really loved, and when somebody's being real with them. He doesn't put on an act--lol--he just acts like one of them!

Most of all, I love that Pete loves the Lord. He is the man after God's own heart that I always prayed for when I was growing up. While Pete doesn't always "do his devotions", and he doesn't always feel like praying or doing the right thing (and I don't either!), his identity is always in Jesus, as is mine. Neither of us is truly happy unless we're walking with the Lord, but the deepest desire of his heart, and the desire God gave to me is that we can know Him, that we can know His heart and walk with Him. Pete wants to serve others, and has such a passion for the Church, but doesn't always have to be at the forefront serving.

Every day that goes by brings us closer to forever, but I find that it is the moments that mean the most to me. After all, "forever" is a God thing. I only have the moments with Pete that He gives me as He draws me closer to Himself. I'm really happy, though. The thought of getting to share my vacation (our two week honeymoon!!!), my holidays, my children, the rest of my life with my best friend--it's almost more than I can take right now. I'm going to pop for excitement!

Yet underneath all the giddiness, I sense a stronger, quieter joy, and a love not of myself that will last longer than mere moments.


Thy sis said...

My dear sis, I'd say you're stuck on him.

You two oughta get married.

Kelly said...

Let me see... YA THINK????

Undeserving said...

Kelly, that was so sweet to read. It inspired me to do the same, although I don't think I am bold enough to post it online. :-) Thank you for opening your heart and offering the world a glimpse into something that means everything to you. I cherished being permitted to read it... yeah yeah yeah, I know the rest of the world did too, but it meant something to me. *grin*

I love ya!

nic said...

Hey, I don't remember saying that Pete was looking for a wife!

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