Tuesday, April 15, 2008

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

~Philippians 4:6-7

This verse has been playing on repeat through my heart over the last few days.

I am so afraid to ask God for anything, and when I do, I caveat - "Well, You know I know You'll provide, so I'm not really asking..."

So much pride in my heart. I have to stand tall when I pray. Kneel? Yeah, I can do that. See God? I'm kneeling! Give me what I want!"

I find I am still standing in my heart.


I have a connotative memory. This means I rarely learn or remember things by direct definition. I think in synonyms.

The idea of supplication leaves me with an image of a penniless child begging for a coin for her daily bread. I picture hands raised and cupped, awaiting fulfillment. I hear pleading from someone who has nothing to offer but a plea.

I soften at the need. I want to give the child her coin. I want to fill those hands. I want to ease that desperate heart. Just because I can see it. Because I can feel it. Because I can help.

I have often held out in my friendships because I need to be needed sometimes. It's very hard for me to maintain a comfortable relationship with someone who refuses to be vulnerable with me.

What would my vulnerability offer God's heart? How would He love to fill my cupped hands, and ease the heart behind my plea with His peace?

"So sad," I whisper to Piper sometimes when she is crying after finding herself alone. "So scared. It's okay, Mama's here... It's okay."


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