Clay

A few months ago, someone asked if I am really comfortable sharing all that I do about my life and the way I think on my blog.

My answer: "There is always more."

I used to wonder if I talked too much, if I didn't hold onto enough information about myself, but I couldn't help spilling me out everywhere. For years, I believed that in a world where you're supposed to legislate what everyone knows about you, I was destined to abject failure. I didn't have that kind of control. I just figured I was too deep and wished I wasn't.

I know that sometimes what I write or say seems too personal or deep or shallow. And sometimes, it is the more that I don't write that is changing my life.

Language has limitations. The reader always approaches what he reads from his position in life. Even the best communicator in the world cannot guarantee that he will be understood. No one can fully protect himself from being taken out of context, in writing or in conversation.

Lately, God and I have been having conversations. Pete and I have been having conversations. I cannot recount these conversations. I cannot itemize the topics or detail the history behind them. It is impossible for me to know or define what has been happening in my heart. I can't explain everything I think or feel. I can't know me the way I need to know me to make myself complete.

I don't know whether to be frustrated or resigned; peaceful seems a strange descriptor for this place of risk and openness and vulnerability and trust sought and renewed. Yet there is peace here. Calm in the tyrannical hailstorm of life crashing down on my roof.

I am not perfect; I do not despair. I am not whole; I am His. I am what I am; God is changing me into His image. I am deep; His love is deeper than I will ever comprehend. I am hurting; He has borne my griefs. I am lonely; He will not forsake me.

In the more of my life that I have not shared recently, I am finding Him to be more than the answers I have been handed. I am not living in fear. He has not broken this bruised reed. I have realized His goodness anew. He is restoring my life.

Perhaps someday I will have words to tell what He has done - what He is doing. For now I find that I cannot describe this valley or the mountain I have taken His hand to ascend.

It is for His glory, I think. I think I will have forever to tell of His work.

Or maybe He'll do all the talking.
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For it is the God who commanded light to shine out of darkness, who has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.

But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us. We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed — always carrying about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body.

~2 Cor. 4:6-10 (NKJV)

(Image from SXC)