Monday, March 30, 2009
I think it's good for me to put myself in front of the camera. I'm such a control freak, I tend to hide behind it more than I should. But when I do this, I want to be the one in control of the camera - not anyone else. I am afraid to look at me the way others see me. I see my own tall awkwardness, the facial expressions I make when I talk that I don't see when I'm in the mirror, and how my short hair just doesn't match the way I feel right now.
If I can get a self-portrait that I can pose as I like, I'm okay with it. It's my work, my face, my facade. But yesterday, Pete wanted to take my picture. And letting go of my "eyes" so that he could use it to see me and show me what he saw was more difficult than I thought it would be.
You know, there is no fear in love, yet I am so afraid of what I look like to him. I am afraid of what I look like to God - I do not have His lens to capture a glimpse at what He sees of my soul from His perspective. What if I don't like what He sees? I want me to be something *I* like.
I know that love is blind - it covers a multitude of sins and all that - but it seems to me sometimes that we say we love people we can't say we like. The message I get is something like this: "I love you because I'm supposed to love you, but you're not really worthy of my love."
It seems so grudging. I'm a weird person, I know, but I genuinely LIKE a lot of people, even people who don't like me. Maybe I'm naive, maybe I just don't see clearly, but there's a lot to like about others. Perhaps this is why I am good at capturing them through my camera. I don't know.
Perhaps Pete's love made this shot different for me. He asked me to turn my head into this pose. I felt so uncertain, so... scrutinized. Friends who let me take your picture - THANK YOU for going through that for my camera! Wow, it's weird on that end of it!
It's odd to be able to say I like this shot. Odd to process a photo of me that I didn't take. Odd to find the photo lovely (ooh, that makes me sound like a snob!). Odd that "lovely" should go with "me." Odd to put me out here like this to show you what Pete sees.
I don't guess I have words for my feelings about it all. Gives me something to ponder, anway...