- Mr. Bennett, Pride and Prejudice, produced by A&E, 1995
And there are days when I am not so spiritual as I want to be. When I am not so high above the rest of humanity as I should like. When humbling myself to ask mercy is annoying and towering rage is preferable to a tender heart. And it is "oh no, why are we here again?" because I had so much going for me to impress the rest of the world. Such wisdom. Such a deep spiritual message. Such appeal.
And God always knows. He even lets me try out my pedestal for a little while. I like the view from there. It gets lonely, actually. And sometimes judgmental.
His rebuke isn't harsh. It doesn't have to be. He reminds me that I am dust. I like to add water sometimes, try to sculpt me the way I'd like to be. I think His work might be better, but the waiting...
It's not a hopeless fall, this tumble downhill into His arms. But I don't want to be touched. Accept His love? Now? After that? I avoid His gaze. I wanted to do better. To be better than I am. I didn't see. Why didn't I see?
Was I looking at Him?
Or making me?
Thus my heart was grieved, and I was vexed in my mind. I was so foolish and ignorant; I was like a beast before You. (Ps. 73:21-22)
So much truth I know. I want the pretty, the uplifting, the poetic, the impressive. But I am the weak and the fool, all rolled into dust that He remembers, and I tell my sins to you and sigh and roll my eyes wishing I was more and He reminds,
Nevertheless I am continually with You; You hold me by my right hand. You will guide me with Your counsel, and afterward receive me to glory. (Ps. 73:23-24)
Glory not my own.
So I find quiet again, waiting in His love, watching this dust slip through my ten fingers into wise and ageless hands.
Maybe I won't forget this time. Maybe I will.
I know He remembers.
O LORD, You have searched me and known me. You know my sitting down and my rising up; You understand my thought afar off. You comprehend my path and my lying down, and are acquainted with all my ways. For there is not a word on my tongue, but behold, O LORD, You know it altogether. You have hedged me behind and before, and laid Your hand upon me.(image from sxc)
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high, I cannot attain it.
- Psalm 139:1-6