it's a monday

Monday, November 2, 2009

I know it's not cool to post so much poetry as I have lately. I hardly consider that real blogging myself. "What is she thinking?!" my readers may be asking. I am thinking lots of things, actually, about ligament pain and Christmas shopping, and how much whining is acceptable for a pregnant woman with seven weeks left to due day. I am planning out consignment shop wardrobes for cooler weather, even though Charleston doesn't seem to want to let Autumn in, even though it means a little less for Christmas necessaries and Christmas extras.

I'm working on business cards and one last wedding, trying to find quotes for my photography site, trying to keep up with the house-cleaning and failing rather miserably, because I am rather miserable right now and trying to ignore it. I'm missing Thanksgiving, for which we won't be traveling, and making a point to get dressed in the morning so I feel I've accomplished something.

I am thinking of Piper and how precious she is, how she is going through a "Mommy" stage right now. I'm chatting with Button a bit to let him know I'm really not as annoyed with him as I might seem - his life was God's idea, and I'm working out my issues with Him. I'm missing Pete in the busy for both of us, noticing how good he always is to me; when he is home, somehow good things always happen, like dinner and unfinished laundry and a bed that is not unmade.

No matter what beautiful words I use, how I phrase my dailiness, there is nothing profound enough to change the reality of the humanity, the dust I am, the fears I have, the constant tired. I feel a sponge at the moment, a great, wet bulk, wanting to offer, unable to invest very much, reaching the end of my patience, ready to burst into tears if one more person tells me how ready I look to pop or how big my baby is going to be. I'm tired of being human, tired of facing the promised "pain in childbearing," tired of "no way around but through."

I don't want to be one of those women who __________ (fill it in) about their pregnancy; I want to be grateful, to look forward to this new little life and what he will bring.

"Just trust," I think, "Find something to be thankful for" and when it comes down to it, I find myself unable to do anything else but remember that whatever happens, He is God, and my circumstances (good or bad) don't determine who He is - He just IS.

On days like today, that's what I've got to hold; it's the only true thing I can justify dwelling on. My response is so limited; the knowing is what I can do.


P.S. If you liked my photo from yesterday's post, I am offering it in a series of prints for sale over at my photography blog. Check it out!

(Image © Informal Moments Photography)


Glynn said...

Having lived this experience (vicariously) twice with my wife, I can say that, as her pregnancies progressed, she felt more tired, more frustrated, more "ready for this baby to come!", more just about everything, and more aggravated with herself for feeling more about everything. I think the fact that "He just IS" says it all.

Angela said...

Some seasons are just hard, especially the one when you're waiting on a baby. There are days when you are empty and have nothing to give. And that's okay. Times like those, I crawl up in my Daddy's lap to just breathe and be loved.

Maureen said...

Dear Kelly, post as much poetry as moves you to do so. I find it inspirational.

There is a beautiful blessing, "For a Mother-to-Be" in O'Donohue's "To Bless the Space Between Us". The opening lines are:

"Nothing could have prepared/ Your heart to open like this. . . ."

When you write as you do today, you are opening your heart. And we open ours to receive yours.

"He just IS." And you reflect His grace.

Carrie said...

Thank you for sharing this - I don't get so much worked up about my labor, but I am getting nervous about the weeks AFTER baby comes home & I am exhausted & nursing 12 hrs a day & now have two to deal with...and I totally feel you on the tired & the ligament pain.

My hubby is gone this whole week as well, and Z is in a testing stage, and I am attempting to paint his new room so the baby can have the nursery & Z can transition to a toddler bed (yikes!)...and our girl'll be here in six and a half weeks...I know just how you feel & how totally overwhelming it can be. I'll pray that God will give you peace & joy in the midst of all of it.

Cassandra Frear said...

Oh Kelly,

I never felt the way I was "supposed" to feel when I was pregnant. I was miserable and miserable over being miserable. I honestly don't know how I got through it -- the angels must have carried me.

But God worked. And he crafted a beautiful life and he brought it forth and grew it up and it was good.

So it will be for you, too.

In the meantime, here is a piece of wisdom from one looking back: just get through it. That's enough. Love him just as you are. He's happy with that, more happy than you imagine he could be.

BTW, you can whine all you want in emails to me -- you know the stuff exploding out of you, but you can't post because . . . I'll be glad to read every word.

nAncY said...

i love babys!

Danielle said...

Here's two photography quotes I like, if this is the type of thing you're looking for:

"Photography is the recording of strangeness and beauty with beguiling precision."
— Sebastian Smee

“Photography is a way of feeling, of touching, of loving. What you have caught on film is captured forever... it remembers little things, long after you have forgotten everything.”
-Aaron Siskind

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