Monday, November 2, 2009
I know it's not cool to post so much poetry as I have lately. I hardly consider that real blogging myself. "What is she thinking?!" my readers may be asking. I am thinking lots of things, actually, about ligament pain and Christmas shopping, and how much whining is acceptable for a pregnant woman with seven weeks left to due day. I am planning out consignment shop wardrobes for cooler weather, even though Charleston doesn't seem to want to let Autumn in, even though it means a little less for Christmas necessaries and Christmas extras.
I'm working on business cards and one last wedding, trying to find quotes for my photography site, trying to keep up with the house-cleaning and failing rather miserably, because I am rather miserable right now and trying to ignore it. I'm missing Thanksgiving, for which we won't be traveling, and making a point to get dressed in the morning so I feel I've accomplished something.
I am thinking of Piper and how precious she is, how she is going through a "Mommy" stage right now. I'm chatting with Button a bit to let him know I'm really not as annoyed with him as I might seem - his life was God's idea, and I'm working out my issues with Him. I'm missing Pete in the busy for both of us, noticing how good he always is to me; when he is home, somehow good things always happen, like dinner and unfinished laundry and a bed that is not unmade.
No matter what beautiful words I use, how I phrase my dailiness, there is nothing profound enough to change the reality of the humanity, the dust I am, the fears I have, the constant tired. I feel a sponge at the moment, a great, wet bulk, wanting to offer, unable to invest very much, reaching the end of my patience, ready to burst into tears if one more person tells me how ready I look to pop or how big my baby is going to be. I'm tired of being human, tired of facing the promised "pain in childbearing," tired of "no way around but through."
I don't want to be one of those women who __________ (fill it in) about their pregnancy; I want to be grateful, to look forward to this new little life and what he will bring.
"Just trust," I think, "Find something to be thankful for" and when it comes down to it, I find myself unable to do anything else but remember that whatever happens, He is God, and my circumstances (good or bad) don't determine who He is - He just IS.
On days like today, that's what I've got to hold; it's the only true thing I can justify dwelling on. My response is so limited; the knowing is what I can do.
P.S. If you liked my photo from yesterday's post, I am offering it in a series of prints for sale over at my photography blog. Check it out!
(Image © Informal Moments Photography)