Wednesday, February 3, 2010

You know how it is getting noticed? It almost inevitably happens at the worst times - when you're having a bad hair day, you have food stuck in your teeth, you're having an off day, you forgot to put on your makeup, you have no speech prepared.

Sometimes, it seems like I spend my days hoping to be noticed. Online, I write posts and wish for comments. I answer comments to engender more comments. I drop out links on Twitter, load photos onto Facebook. At home, I try cleaning, doing things I don't actually have energy for, doing things I have to do, like taking my pills and eating meals normally. Sometimes, I pick up the phone and call my mom or my sister to yak at them about nothingness, just so I can get some attention.

I really despise this side of myself. It is pretty rare that I can say I'm just content in who I am without some sort of outside affirmation. Is that a terrible thing to admit?

The really sad part is that sometimes, the more I hear from people, the more greedy I get for the attention - and the less noticed I feel. I read comment after comment at my blog, and I appreciate everyone so deeply, but it feels as if I am always looking for something more.

But what? What am I looking for, really?

On my best days, I am thrilled to get comments and emails, but I know they are not necessary to my survival. On my worst days, I don't want to hear anything at all. I'd like to find a rock to hide under, because really, you all don't know how AWFUL I am.

But once in a while, God drops His own soul-deep affirmation into my hungry, insecure little heart. It sometimes comes in the form of a verse someone leaves me here. Sometimes, it comes in an email from a friend. Or a phone call. Or a deep, warm moment with my husband. And sometimes it comes in ways I couldn't imagine, when someone paints a picture of me I don't expect.

I'm figuring something out, that my insecurity comes because I live with me all the time. Seriously, I can't get away from me. I know my faults. I am intensely honest with myself about my issues - whether I'm doing anything about them or not. I know the bossy, impatient tone in my voice when I'm dealing with Piper. I have major guilt over leaving Bredon to cry just one minute longer while I finish something up.

But once in a while (as I said) someone sees what God is doing in me. Those once-in-a-while noticings blink into my heart like a ribbon of light I wouldn't usually notice. They see me as His, and they find Him in me. They're not afraid of my admitted humanity, and they're not afraid of puffing me up by sharing the beauty of God they find in me - and people, I'm telling you, it's Him. The nice things I say, yeah, that's really not me. I don't even recognize me when I'm gentle.

I got one of those today. It's been a rough day. One of those where I didn't want to get up when the baby got up. When I had to be out the door two hours before I was ready to be doing anything on my day. When driving felt panicky, and Piper needed to interrupt often at my appointment. Where traffic was backed up and I had to come home and figure out lunch myself - and pills, and Piper's lunch and burning the eggs while I rescued the muffins.

This post (and its comments) offered me some really deep encouragement today, in the middle of it all. I felt deeply noticed, deeply affirmed, because I know what they all are seeing is God's work in me - in all the craziness of what has been my life these last few months.

The smile goes deep, and while things are still nutty on this end of the Interwebs, you have given me needed courage to keep trusting God in the nutty, to keep remembering He cares for me, is working in me, and has an investment in the way I live out my life today, even if my life is far from perfect.

There's something wonderful about being complete in Christ, being perfect as He is perfect. It's all about being covered. I'm all about being covered.

Thank you all for the grace you offer in your notice of me - food in my teeth and all.

(Image © Informal Moments Photography)


Bunch of Barrons said...

This post really touched my heart...I feel the exact same way sometimes. Thanks for being so honest...I love the honesty in your writing. :)

lindsay said...

I too know how it is... push the "publish post" button then hold your breath, waiting... waiting.

It didn't matter when I first started blogging, but it matters much more now that I think I have something to say, something worth listening to.

Blessings to you as you continue to wrestle with this... I'm right there too.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing the link to Glynn's post. He painted a beautiful picture of you, and I agree with him. :)

God bless,

sarah said...

I think many people feel the same way, but aren't graced enough or brave enough to admit it. I will never see you truly because you are a diamond, a thousand facets, and only the light reflecting off one or two, those you choose, shines through here. But it's enough for me to know how beautiful you are. I am sad you feel like you're awful. I pray every day you get enough light from here and there, a smile, a touch, a poem, a wink from God, to see your beauty reflected back to you.

Graceful said...

Oh I think you hit a nerve with this one, Kelly. At least you did for me. More and more it's become about wanting more, especially when it comes to my writing pursuits. It's such an inner battle, and it sickens me to realize that it's become about more than God -- that it's become more about me.

Anyway, I love your honesty (always) -- you write what others think. You are not alone.

P.S. I just have to mention that my word verification is "flucki" which made me smile, because it sounds both a little bit dirty and a little bit plucky. I know, I'm crazy...but it did make me laugh.

Danielle said...

This post reminded me of something one of my friends wrote on a post about her 30th birthday:

"no matter how frequent, sincere or abundant the praise. it is never enough to satisfy the insatiable itch for self-regard in my heart."

That really resonated with me, as does this post of yours, Kelly. I really do think we're all in this together.

I'm thankful that despite how I try to satisfy my heart with the praise of others (and I do), God's the only one who can satisfy.

Phoenix-Karenee said...

Change the names and those thoughts are mine, every day.... And the miracle of those moments, gifts from God; and the treasure of friendship, always wanting more.

And when I feel empty, I'm learning now that it is a gift. What if I felt full when I am empty? I would starve and never know it.

My emptiness is a never ending prompt to reach for God's fullness and try to find ways for it to flow through my soul and into the friendships and potentials that lay scattered through my life and would remain unnoticed, if it weren't that I am empty and know it.

Bina said...

I always admire a person who is unafraid to admit that they have food in their teeth....

:) Bina

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