Wednesday, February 3, 2010
You know how it is getting noticed? It almost inevitably happens at the worst times - when you're having a bad hair day, you have food stuck in your teeth, you're having an off day, you forgot to put on your makeup, you have no speech prepared.
Sometimes, it seems like I spend my days hoping to be noticed. Online, I write posts and wish for comments. I answer comments to engender more comments. I drop out links on Twitter, load photos onto Facebook. At home, I try cleaning, doing things I don't actually have energy for, doing things I have to do, like taking my pills and eating meals normally. Sometimes, I pick up the phone and call my mom or my sister to yak at them about nothingness, just so I can get some attention.
I really despise this side of myself. It is pretty rare that I can say I'm just content in who I am without some sort of outside affirmation. Is that a terrible thing to admit?
The really sad part is that sometimes, the more I hear from people, the more greedy I get for the attention - and the less noticed I feel. I read comment after comment at my blog, and I appreciate everyone so deeply, but it feels as if I am always looking for something more.
But what? What am I looking for, really?
On my best days, I am thrilled to get comments and emails, but I know they are not necessary to my survival. On my worst days, I don't want to hear anything at all. I'd like to find a rock to hide under, because really, you all don't know how AWFUL I am.
But once in a while, God drops His own soul-deep affirmation into my hungry, insecure little heart. It sometimes comes in the form of a verse someone leaves me here. Sometimes, it comes in an email from a friend. Or a phone call. Or a deep, warm moment with my husband. And sometimes it comes in ways I couldn't imagine, when someone paints a picture of me I don't expect.
I'm figuring something out, that my insecurity comes because I live with me all the time. Seriously, I can't get away from me. I know my faults. I am intensely honest with myself about my issues - whether I'm doing anything about them or not. I know the bossy, impatient tone in my voice when I'm dealing with Piper. I have major guilt over leaving Bredon to cry just one minute longer while I finish something up.
But once in a while (as I said) someone sees what God is doing in me. Those once-in-a-while noticings blink into my heart like a ribbon of light I wouldn't usually notice. They see me as His, and they find Him in me. They're not afraid of my admitted humanity, and they're not afraid of puffing me up by sharing the beauty of God they find in me - and people, I'm telling you, it's Him. The nice things I say, yeah, that's really not me. I don't even recognize me when I'm gentle.
I got one of those today. It's been a rough day. One of those where I didn't want to get up when the baby got up. When I had to be out the door two hours before I was ready to be doing anything on my day. When driving felt panicky, and Piper needed to interrupt often at my appointment. Where traffic was backed up and I had to come home and figure out lunch myself - and pills, and Piper's lunch and burning the eggs while I rescued the muffins.
This post (and its comments) offered me some really deep encouragement today, in the middle of it all. I felt deeply noticed, deeply affirmed, because I know what they all are seeing is God's work in me - in all the craziness of what has been my life these last few months.
The smile goes deep, and while things are still nutty on this end of the Interwebs, you have given me needed courage to keep trusting God in the nutty, to keep remembering He cares for me, is working in me, and has an investment in the way I live out my life today, even if my life is far from perfect.
There's something wonderful about being complete in Christ, being perfect as He is perfect. It's all about being covered. I'm all about being covered.
Thank you all for the grace you offer in your notice of me - food in my teeth and all.
(Image © Informal Moments Photography)