Sunday, September 19, 2004

Yeah, breathing. That's what I'm doing today. It's hard to really figure out what else I'm supposed to do. People have been asking me how I'm doing, but after a weekend where I've so acutely felt so much pain for others, it seems impossible to feel any for myself. I'm not shut down, exactly. Just thoughtful. It's one of those times when I can sit down on the piano and play exactly what I'm feeling, but I don't know I'm feeling it until I hear it on the keys. My life sometines feels like words and phrases that don't match with music, not quite becoming a song, but landing somewhere with a sweet and sorrowful melody.

I've been having nightmares recently. I don't think I'm taking others' pain upon myself to try to fix it, but I can't get the screams, the frustration, the helplessness, the emptiness out of my head during the day after I've spent the night tossing in my bed and praying for these people I love.

I'm wrestling with myself too. I made a vow to the Lord that I would love K. I meant it. I want him to love me too... but that's not as likely. I know *I* love people because they love me first, though that's changed a lot as God has grown His love in me. I got an email from a friend last week who I had deeply hurt, and from all appearances, he hates me and probably will forever--why am I overwhelmed with such love and sorrow for him? By all rights, I ought to hate him too.

But I don't. And I don't hate K. In all this mess of being afraid to feel--is that what this is?--one phrase comes through loud and clear from the part of my heart that hurts: "I really, really, really, really miss K."

Yeah, I know. I'm an emotional purity nightmare--exhibit A about what happens when you "give away" your heart to the wrong person, or give it away too soon. Honestly, I want to move on. But what I have clearly from Scripture is that I made a vow to God, and I want to fulfill it.

God, I love K. I love him so much I think I'll blow apart with it some days. But I never had a guarantee when I vowed to love him that You would give him to me. Honestly, I want something safer. I want something that would fill my needs now, that wouldn't leave me confused about how much help to accept from other guys without betraying that love for K. I want to save myself for him. I want to give myself to him. I want You to give me to him...

But if it comes down to it... I want You more. How does that work? Moving on would be so much easier. Even *I* know that following You doesn't always require walking the hardest road. But this time, it's a road of my own making. I chose to make the vow, and I want to keep it for Your glory. I just don't know how.
Sometimes I think about it. If/When K does marry someone else, I wonder if I will still rejoice in the fulfillment of my vow to God. I wonder where He would lead, 'cause if this was His way of calling me to be single... I'll miss K forever.


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