Friday, September 24, 2004

I hit a wall this week.

Maybe more literally than I'd like to admit.

There are times that you think you have come to the end of yourself, but you're starting to find your footing again on God, so you start to walk forward, and just as you pick up the pace again, you slam into something unmoveable and find yourself flat on your back with the wind knocked out of you.

And you can't even breathe, let alone get up.

I thought I knew what mattered.

Now... I've got nothing left. Nothing in this world is certain. The more I live, the more I see it proven true.

I'm still human. I still want the same things everybody wants. Sometimes I get mad at myself for loving God more. I just *had* to choose this. But God's not all about suffering, is He? Doesn't He want me to be blessed--happy?

*soft chuckle*

"Blessed is the man who trusts in Him."

Well, that about does it for that. Something happened to me when I lost myself in Christ. I literally lost myself. I don't have any identity outside of Him. Which is just really interesting. Because my choices end up freaking people out.

I'm tired of being the catalyst. But if it was just ME being the catalyst, it wouldn't be a good thing. For some reason, I just do weird stuff for God and HE ends up being the catalyst. I just get to be the one used for it. Which should be a privilege.

It hurts.


But it doesn't change the fact that He is still good. It's just a fact.

So what it boils down to is do I trust Him?

Yeah. I really do.


When the night seems to say
All hope is lost, gone away,
But I know I'm not alone
By the light she stands.

There she waves, faithful friend,
Shimmering stars, westward wind.
Show the way, carry me
To the place she stands.

Just when you think it might be over
Just when you think the fight is gone
Someone will risk his life to raise her:
There she stands.

When evil calls itself a martyr,
When all your hopes come crashing down
Someone will pull her from the rubble
There she stands.

We've seen her flying torn and tattered
We've seen her stand the test of time
And through it all, the fools have fallen--
There she stands.

~Michael W. Smith

1 Peter 1:3-7

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade--kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith--of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire--may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.


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