Silence

There are things I can handle losing.

Let's see. I've lost a lot.

But this... My love for music?

I argue with myself. I'm too tired. Of course I still love it. But the overwhelming feeling persists. I can no longer speak through my music. The one thing I had that I could say when words weren't enough... I can't reach it.

I feel like I'm dying in the silence. My song is gone.

I don't do anything because I want to do it. I go on because I have to. I have to be at work every morning and work. I have to love others. I have to keep seeking God. I have to fulfill my vows. I have to continue with Free Indeed. I have to keep scheduling special music. I have to keep up with my friends. I have to practice the piano. I have to be technically correct. I have to eat. I have to sleep. I have to wake up. I have to stay in touch with my family. I have to believe that God is good.

And my voice is silent. I can no longer cry out with my music. It too has fallen into the realm of the "have to."

I'd reconciled myself to the loss of the photography... but never my music.

It's just as well, I tell myself. You weren't very good anyway. You never would have been very good.

What silenced that voice inside of me?

Why I bothered buying the piano... It's out of tune now. My whole life is out of tune. The discordant passages don't even make a coherent sound as the chords rip across the very bad symphony of my life.

Wow. That was a bit dramatic.

God, please...