Wednesday, October 20, 2004

"Praise is awaiting You, O God, in Zion; and to You the vow shall be performed. O You who hear prayer, to You all flesh will come. Iniquities prevail against me; as for our transgressions, You will provide atonement for them. Blessed is the man You choose, and cause to approach You, that he may dwell in Your courts. We shall be satisfied with the goodness of Your house, of Your holy temple."
~Psalm 65:1-4

I've been having a direction issue lately. Where have I been aiming my praise? To whom did I make my vow? Who am I going to? Where have I been looking for atonement for my sin? Where is it that I have been trying to dwell?

The answers to those questions leave me coming up rather empty and unfulfilled.

My praise has been aimed at others to encourage; my vow left unperformed as I try to figure out how to understand how it can be performed in my own strength. I haven't been talking to God because I forgot He hears me and cares about what I have to say. I've been analyzing and judging and weighing myself, trying to be perfect before I come to Him, instead of humbling myself before Him to accept the mercy provided for me by Jesus at the Cross.

And I've been trying to gain entrance to His courts... without a key to the door--for my own satisfaction, instead of to praise Him.

So where am I this morning?

I don't know. God is searching my heart, turning my eyes from myself and back to His face. The more I learn of Him, the more I realize how far I am from being perfect, from attaining the goals I want on my own. Still, there is a pride inside of me that says I just have to "keep trying." Maybe someday, I can work my way into the answer.

Why does God bother with me? Well,I told someone last night that it is because He loves me. Jesus loves me, this I know... Little kids' songs are great, you know. There is a quiet rest and simplicity in believing in and waiting on God, instead of trying to figure everything out for myself.

I don't know why God chose me and enabled--no, drew me to dwell in His presence and bear His fruit. I don't have to know, I guess... He is God, after all. Oh, and a really cool thing? He DOES hear my prayers. Sometimes I forget.

On Sunday night, I discovered what it is like to have someone gently push through the walls erected by three years of bitterness. It wasn't anything big or spectacular... just a quiet questioning gaze and a small note of encouragement. But what happened inside me was beautiful. I felt myself grow very still inside. I was a bit afraid, but there was a gentle anticipation that started to grow, a soft hope that perhaps God really did mean to allow someone to fight for me. I sensed a new willingness to wait.
It's kinda that way when God fights for me too, in that very quiet place in my heart that is the Holy Spirit. Sometimes, maybe I'm just too direction oriented. What if I just closed my eyes and waited for Him to carry me?


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