One of Those Mornings

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Every once in a while (about once a week), I have one of those mornings. You know, the ones that leave you running on adrenalin to avoid the panic attacks because your entire world has spun out of control. I suppose if I weren't such a control freak, I wouldn't have those mornings, but as it stands...

I am not the nicest person to be around on one of those mornings. If I could get away from me, I would. Optimistic people talk about "seizing the day" with excited grins on their faces. Me? I seize it, all right. It's called "Grab it by the neck and choke it to death until it can't get you any more!"

I offer excuses: "I'm a chronically ill person and change has a negative effect on my stress levels..." But what it really boils down to is a lack of trust. I would like to be ashamed of it, but I am usually too ticked off to care. So I let the anger carry me through what I have to do, instead of yielding to the blowing apart feeling in my entire being--or the small voice inside my heart that reminds me to "acknowledge Him in all your ways, and He will make your paths straight."

Today has brought one of those mornings, and I'm annoyed. With me, with the people around me, with the whole world. The way I figure, I'll have to listen to that voice sometime. I think it had better be sooner rather than later.


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