Tuesday, January 4, 2005

What do you do when you're not sure of anything, least of all your own heart?

Should you share with the world the joys of the moment, the new discoveries you're making, and the love that you're beginning to find... or do you put it away until another day, when it might be more certain, more secure, more attainable?

Six days ago, I took a risk. Something in my life had to change. My relationship with God had grown stagnant, my pride had taken over, and I desperately needed to learn to trust again. I asked God to help me to again acknowledge Him in all my ways, lean on His unsearchable understanding, and trust in Him with all of my heart.

I am not in a spiritual position to fall in love. I can't say I completely know God. I can't say that I was supposed to keep a vow, or that I was supposed to let it go. There is so much here that I don't understand, cannot fathom. I don't know what to do. I am so scared. I know what I want... but I am afraid to want it. It is beautiful, a gift from God, but can the Lord not take away what He gives?

Argh. I'm speaking in riddles--I'm LIVING in riddles right now!

Six days ago, I called my best friend and told him that I had told God that I truly wanted a chance to fall in love with him.

I did. I do. The thought makes me overwhelmed and happy and crazy all at once.

But I have so many fears. Things with his family are FAR from peaceful. Things in my heart are unsettled. In my more lucid moments, I have a peace that goes beyond any I've known to this point--but when I'm freaking out, I feel like such a failure, as though I have let God down, let others down--just because I want what I want. Again.

I don't have the wisdom here to decide what to do, if I should run, if I should hold myself back for longer, if I should continue to wait for the impossible, if God even WANTED me to wait for the impossible. If the impossible occurred, it would break more hearts than it would fill mine... and even now... with the "possible" in view, there are so many obstacles.

I am overwhelmed by my circumstances, and terrified to trust, to believe that God could possibly allow me to reach for happiness and then cruelly snatch it away again by some twist of His will that I couldn't foresee, just because it's best for me in His eyes.

I don't know what I want anymore... Or maybe I don't want to admit what I want... Why do I have to be so stubborn and complicated? Why can't SOMETHING just happen easily for me to show me that life isn't as terrible as I believed it to be?

But I KNOW I'm not supposed to find my fulfillment within my circumstances. So many around me are so settled with that in their hearts--"Just trust God," they say. "Just trust God," I say. And in the interim, my whole heart feels like it's going to burst apart. He took one best friend away, what is to stop Him from drawing another? The pain sent me to Him the first time, would it not send me back a second time?

I can't get past the doubts right now. There is no circumstance that could occur that could convince me one way or another that I have made the right choice, that the risk I have taken is warranted, that I am ever guaranteed a happy ending this side of heaven. I chose a home that is not on earth, to live in a stranger in a world not my own. God is to be my only joy, my only fulfillment. I just... is it even possible to truly love someone else and have that be the case?

I want to tell the whole world that I'm falling in love, and it's the most exciting, fun adventure I have ever had. But the pain from the last three years haunts me still. Baggage, others call it. Don't do what feels good--it's got to be a sin. He's manipulating you away from a vow you made to God. Run. Just run. This can only end in tears, you know. God won't allow you this. He's gained more glory from your pain, and the joy for you is only for heaven. Suck it up and deal. Don't fight the inevitable.

I dared to hope. I dared to step out, dream a bit beyond the certain.

I feel as though I am to be disappointed.

How could I ever deserve anything I've ever wanted?

But God is my hope. He is my strength and my shield. He is my joy, and my salvation. He is my light, and my rock, and my God. He is the one who justifies me, who does not condemn me. He IS good, and He WILL work everything together for my good, because I love Him, and because He has called me according to His purpose. Nothing can ever separate me from His love. Not my own decisions, not the rejection of others, not the fear that would pull me from my trust in Him.

Abba... You ARE my Abba... I want to step out on You for this. I want to trust that You will fill me with Your peace, that You are outside the circumstances that I'm facing, and that You are on Your throne. I don't KNOW what the right choice is here. I am afraid even of the joy, and that is not from You.

Please, give me rest. Lead me, please. Help me please, Father, to do everything I do for the praise of Your glory, and... if You must break my heart yet again... please do not allow me to be bitter with You, to reject You... or to question You. Oh Lord, why do I pray these things? Abba, I want to be happy! I want to love and to be loved, and to pour it out every day so that the whole world knows what You have done in my life! I don't want anymore pain!

Lord, Abba, Father... Not my will, please. Please, please, please... I want to want You more...more than anything. Please, help me to... lead me... show me... I'm so lost right now. I don't know what to do or how to do it. I need You. Just You. Please, fill me. Please be my portion. Please, find me. Help me find You to be my all. Help me to love You, no matter what.

Pete says that I am Yours.

I can't believe You would lay such a claim upon me, but is that not what I asked for?

Abba, You know best. You're my Father. You were the one who asked to hold my heart. Please, I want to give it to You... I want to give it where You would want to give it. Just... could You show me?


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