On Being Engaged

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Let's see. Being engaged is a new experience for me. I'm no longer just me, I'm a girlfriend. But now I'm not just a girlfriend, I'm a fiancèe. And that goes kind of naturally to wife. And suddenly the impact of what I'm doing seizes me. I'm committing to spend the rest of my life with ONE PERSON. Allow me to ramble for a bit.

Now, I think that most girls grow up ready to be married, and they look for the perfect guy to spend the rest of their lives with. I don't know. I'm kinda weird. I stopped dreaming about getting married a few years ago, and stopped believing it was ever going to happen. So now it's here, and I'm starting to realize the meaning of the words, "for better or for worse" and I'm wondering if even *I* am stubborn enough to be committed for the REST OF MY LIFE to ONE PERSON.

Thing is, I'm wondering if that is even what I'm supposed to be thinking about. See, I started down this road of commitment years ago. God put me on my knees when I was in high school and asked me if I was going to commit to something to see it through. I've always had a bit of a problem with commitment. I don't like obligation. It makes me feel trapped and imprisoned, and I tend to be a very free, independent spirit.

I always wondered how that would fit in marriage, because I wanted to be loved, but I couldn't live under domination. Pete and I are learning so much about what God means in Scripture when He talks about the husband loving his wife as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it. We're learning a lot about what it means to submit. Do you know, the more I learn about submission, the more I want to?

I have learned much about submission to God over the last few years too. He asks me to yield my will to His, to will to do His will, but He doesn't try to make me be someone who He didn't create me to be. God meets me where I am and loves me unconditionally as His Spirit does the work in my heart to make me more like Christ. It amazes me how He loves me, and because of His love, I WANT to give myself to Him to will to do His will.

I'm finding with Pete that the same is true. Submission is not a role that I must be trapped into, it is a gift. If I were to make a picture of submission, I would paint it as my hand reaching out to Pete's hand to place my hand in his and finding that as he drew me to him in love, I willingly followed. That is what God has shown me through His love.

So yeah. I'm going to be spending the rest of my life with one person. One person who happens to be my best friend, and the one person I want to spend more time with than with anybody in the whole world. It's funny, because I can see us decorating a home together, and working together, and me getting out of his way so he can study (by playing my piano or something!) and maybe even raising children together someday. I can see us being best friends for the rest of our lives, and praying together and growing together toward God, not seeking our fulfillment in each other, but finding it individually in God. Do you know, when I am most afraid of loving Pete, I go talk to God about it, and He fills me with a love that I didn't know could exist, and suddenly I love Pete more than I did the day before!

I don't know about this "wife" "Mrs. Sauer" business, but I guess I'll get used to that. Please pray that I will continue to look at God through all of this stuff. I want to get married, yes, but it's not my source of joy. Pete is not my rich fulfillment. *grin* He is my BLESSING from the Lord, and I can't believe that He would bless me so!

Okay, friend in office.

Going away now. :-)


the Rhythm Angel said...

Wow! I didn't know you were engaged Kelly! Congrats!

That is so true about learning to be submissive, in every area of life. I know God has been talking to me a lot about that and sacrifice.

True love is truly the sacrificing of your self desires for the good of another. What a precious gift!

I'm excited for you both! May the Lord continue to work in your life. I look forward to hearing even more incredible miracles.

You are a joy and a blessing to my life.

?ete said...

Thank you, Kelly Anne, for desiring to be a very close friend of God. Thank you for putting up with this fiancè when he doesn't want to be a friend of God... how weird is that? I honestly don't understand why you would love me. Yet I think the same of God's love too. Why would He love me? And sometimes I muse and think, "Well, there must be something I'm not getting here, something is not right with this! And yet He reminded me on Wednesday (after my first meltdown and before my second one) that all I am asked for is faith. Faith! In His love, why, even faith to believe that all that is and would ever be needed to approach Him, to revel and live in His love, has been accomplished through Jesus Christ. It is, in fact, "finished."

Why do you love me, bestest buddy? I don't know... but I am trying to have faith. Thank you, dearest, for trusting the Lord, and not me. For loving Him in me, and desiring Him first.

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