Thursday, March 10, 2005

Face in a plastered smile.
Behind eyes that try to hide,
Cloaked in a screaming, “God is good.”
Crumbling inside.
Is your heart still beating?
Laughing in a paper maché world
Of popping balloons
And bubblegum.
The world not paper, though,
Darkness haunts these halls.
Nothing real.
Only shattering walls of
Plastic glass.
“Lunch sometime?”
My heart sinks.

Eyes that have to smile,
Sadness, yet
Alive by Another’s strength.
Love overflows to someone else
In a world so real…
My heart remembers to beat.
So known.
You want to know my heart,
You share your beauty,
In a room filled with light—
And safety.
Blossoming, hoping, caring.
"Lunch sometime?"
I hold my breath.


About once every day I run into someone I used to know.

It's not that unusual on a small campus like Patrick Henry College. In fact, most people here will tell you that it's nearly impossible to get away.

What I can't get is why my heart breaks when I see some of these people. Somebody told me once I love too much, too deep. I'm beginning to wonder if they were right. The class I came to PHC with in 2001 is splintered and entangled in a web of pride, bitterness, and junior high grudges. We can't talk to one another, we can't smile at one another, we can't acknowledge the existence of one another. The cloud of disillusionment grows daily, as we watch the last little bits of the dreams we had when we arrived at PHC slowly melt into the fires of practical reality as the world defines it. There were so many of us destined to be kings... and we thought PHC would show us how to get there. Only now, we have nothing but the ashes of our ideals and the hard practicalities of "getting a job."

I don't even go to school here anymore, and all I want to do is leave, run, get as far away from here as possible. Of course, that's what we've all done already, in our own ways. I think about the people God brought into my life, people that I have fought for and prayed for and hoped that I could be their friend and show them God's love, even though I'm not perfect and I'm too proud and I don't always know how to relate to them.

Guys, do any of you know how much you mean to me? Not that my words mean anything. I just wanted to make a difference for you. My dream--it wasn't grand and glorious, about graduating or doing anything great. I just wanted you to know through my life that God loves you, and that He is working in you and He's never, never, never, never going to give up on you.

Like I want to do on days like today, when my own disillusionment comes crashing in as I learn to let go of things that I've worked so hard for and dreamed so long about. I don't want to be bitter or cynical. I thought everything was possible with God. I thought unity in Jesus was something we all wanted once.

Has Satan won? Has he so trapped us into our dutiful view of God as judge and provider for our very bad sins and our very big problems? Has he really succeeded in driving the PHC Class of 2005 apart from the hope that we have in the name of Jesus? In falsifying our lives to a standard of what WE can achieve, instead of relying solely on the God of our salvation?

Is any of us at peace with who we've become?

God, I'm ready to give up. I know I promised once that as long as I was alive, I would stand in the gap for PHC. I'm still alive... but I'm tired. I'm worn out. I can't stand here in my own strength, and it seems like I'm getting knocked off the wall. I don't know how to keep praying for this place. It seems like the battle against the bitterness and the power struggle is being lost a bit more by the day.

Where are You? God, we need You. I need You. Why did You give me a love for these people that goes so deep it tears me apart if they're just going to reject it and do things their "safe" way? Why did You have to give me a burden to pray for this place if You were just going to let it fall?


Speak to me, speak to me in my cave of Adullam.
Reach to me, reach to me.
No one cares for my soul.
I thought I saw your kingdom,
but it's not going to happen like I thought it would happen.
Remind me, remind me of the vision you gave me.
Remind me, remind me what anointing oil is for.
I need to know you're near me.
I need to know you are holding me just as closely
As the day you took my life and gave me a vision,
As the day you poured the oil and gave me a dream.
I can't believe this is happening. How does a shepherd become a king?

~Sara Groves


Anonymous said...

sorry, Kell. :-/ really.

?ete said...

Arise, O LORD! O God, lift up Your hand! Do not forget the humble. Why do the wicked renounce God? He has said in his heart, "You will not require an account."
But You have seen it, for You observe trouble and grief, to repay it by You rhand. The helpless commits himself to You; You are the helper of the fatherless. Break the arm of the wicked and evil man; seek out his wickedness until You find none.
The LORD is King forever and ever; the nations have perished out of His land. LORD, you have heard the desire of the humble; You will prepare their heart; You will cause Your ear to hear..."
~ Psalm 10:12-17

Leeann said...

Right there with you... see my March 13 post.
On my knees, too...

Kelly Sauer said...

From a very, very special friend. I thought it was worth posting. THANK YOU for your incredible encouragement... You will never know how much God has used it.


I was reading on your blog, which I used to do quite frequently but
haven't since midterms. And I read "Encounters" and where you asked if we know how much we mean to you. And I laughed because I don't think YOU know how much you mean to US!! Kelly, just ask Pete, or me and Brian, or any of your real and closest friends that have stuck through no matter what - we all see in you a very special kind of love, it's unusual and because it's so unusual it make an impact on people. We are only asked to walk through this life with ONE person forever (that would be Pete
for you *grin* and Brian for me) so we only get a tiny bit of time to make a mark on other people's lives.

You know how to make that mark last even when people would rather forget it! It's the mark of God's deep deep love. :-)

On the rest of your post...yes, I've been discouraged with the petty conflicts and "I hate you's" that I see blatantly and furtively lived out on this campus. It's heartbreaking because *I* want to help them too....

There's been a song God put on my heart nearly all this semester that I want to sing in chapel sometime towards the end of the semester. I think it applies here at PHC more than any other place I've been.

And just so you know...I tend to think of you and your place in my life especially that first summer) when I hear this song. :-)

Have a GOOD day! And laugh once or twice, Brian tells me it's theraputic.


Somebody's down to their last dime,
Somebody's running out of time,
Not too far from here

Somebody's got nowhere else to go
Somebody needs a little hope
Not too far from here

And I may not know their name
But I'm praying just the same
That You'll use me Lord to wipe away a tear
'Cause somebody's crying
Not too far from here

Somebody's troubled and confused
Somebody's got nothing left to lose
Not too far from here

Somebody's forgotten how to trust
Somebody's dying for love
Not too far from here

It may be a stranger's face
But I'm praying for Your grace
To move in me and take away the fear
'Cause somebody's hurting
Not too far from here

Help me, Lord, not to turn away from pain
Help me not to rest while those around me weep
Give me Your strength and compassion
When somebody finds the road of life too steep

Now, I'm letting down my guard
And I'm opening my heart
Help me speak your love to every needful ear
Jesus is waiting
Not too far from here
Jesus is waiting
Not too far from here

Post a Comment

Talk to me, if you like.