Learning to Break... Again

Tuesday, March 8, 2005

I'm sick of winter. It's time for spring to be here. It was almost here on Monday. And then Tuesday decided to offer a blizzard, whirling around like it had some RIGHT to make it still be winter after Spring's child had played around with our hearts and our songs for a day. Sheesh. It's not fair.

And I'm complaining.

Well, so are my muscles. Which are rather grumpy with the antibiotics I'm on. Because the Lyme's bacteria likes to send out toxins when it gets attacked. *rolls eyes* Stupid germs.

All that aside, I should get to what I actually want to stick on this post. I've been thinking a lot about living lately, and how I'm not doing it. I mean, I'm not dead or anything, but do you know what it's like when you really don't want to get up in the morning, and you're so busy trying to cover your bases and make sure things are all okay and that you're not going to lose the things that are most important to you? That's kind of what I have been doing.

On Sunday, as I was getting ready for church, God whispered, "Kelly, ask Me to humble you today." I got grumpy. "What would I want to do that for, God? I know I'm not very humble right now, but what would you do to humble me?" Needless to say, I opted out of His request, just in time for Him to take me to church and remind me that His name is the greatest name of all. Not me, personally. Not me and Pete relationally. Just His name. Jesus.

That made me cry. I like to do things right. I don't like to forget the stuff I'm supposed to know. Which drove me right back to my own pride of trying to do what I think is right, and trying to take God some Kelly that I want to be, instead of the Kelly that I am.

So He's humbling me. Or rather, humiliating me right now. I've reached the end of what *I* can do, only to find out that I don't have a clue how to "cry out to the Lord from my trouble" (Psalm 107), and that I don't know how to walk before Him again as a little child with her Abba.

So many things can come into my life that I want to hang onto. Yeah, He told me to dream again. But not at the expense of letting my dreams be His dreams. Not to let me grasp and grasp for what I think I have to have while I let my love for Him fall by the wayside.

I've written a lot about love on here, a lot about giving love, unconditionally. But right now, I'm struggling, because I've never learned how to receive love. The more I learn of myself and my pride and my own darkness, the less I understand how anybody could love me--not Pete, not my sister, not God. The love I have been living from lately seems a conditional love, dependent upon caveats and prerequisites that don't offer the grace I'd come to know from the Lord.

How is it possible to walk the same road again and again on deeper levels? Still, that seems to be how God teaches me. And as much as I want it all NOW, I'm learning again to trust and find my expectation from Him. Again.

"But those who wait on the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint."

~Isaiah 40:31


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