Getting Harder

Monday, April 4, 2005

There's a song that Nichole Nordeman does that is kind of going through my brain at the moment.

Hello, Mr. Darkcloud
Never thought that we would meet so soon
Never thought I’d bundle up in June
Funny how the fog rolls
Funnier that I’d know who to blame
Never thought I’d have to own this pain
If all that’s good and true
Comes from heaven
Then what’s a girl to do
When it rains?

And I’m sayin’
Why, why, why, why?
I’m shakin’ a fist in the dark,
And I’m askin’
Why, why, why, why?
Why does it keep getting harder
To say thanks?
Tell me what's a girl to do...

Even fields of flowers
Dressing in their best because of You
Knowing they are blessed to be in bloom
But what about November
When the air is cold and wet winds blow
Do they understand why they can’t grow?

And I could not pretend
To know the difference
Between the storms You send

And those I find…

It's very typical for me to run through a list of everything that has gone wrong in the last few hours/days/weeks/years, just to keep tabs on how much I deserve to be stressed. Lately, though, it's getting to be so much that I can't keep track of it all. I feel like I'm walking a very fine line between being stressed and succumbing to a nervous breakdown.

I'm having to ask what is missing, and the conclusion I'm coming to is rather sad.

Have you ever tried to live life without God? Having a knowledge of Him, a desire for Him, but not being willing to humble yourself and pray? If you have, then you have a pretty decent insight into how I feel right now.

There has been so much that has happened in the last few months--weeks, really. I feel like all I'm doing right now is living by the expectations of and obligations to others. There are very few parts of the life I am living right now that I live because I actually want to be doing it. *wry grin* I'm the only person I know who has to have a midlife crisis every six months. Hey, if you've got the diseases I've got, you'd feel like your life is half over too!

I feel like an eighty-year-old woman with 23-year-old obligations. I probably do more in a day than most normally healthy people, and I don't know how to stop. In so many ways I refuse to stop. I'm too stubborn. But I'm cracking. And I don't know what to do about it. I had a panic attack to beat all panic attacks this morning as I realized I was too tired to go to work, but I had to go, I just had to. I made it in about noon.

Then there are the people who love me, who need me. I think a lot of people don't know that I really, really, really want to be there for them, and I feel so bad that I can't offer them the gifts they offer to me so often. I can't possibly email everyone back, or be completely real with everybody who walks into my life. But what about those I love so much? Do I pour any energy into praying for them?

Right now, I honestly don't know how to go on, or if I even want to. If it weren't for Pete, I think I'd completely fold--and that's not so good, because it's supposed to be God who keeps me holding on, my love for Him, my passion for Him. But I'm tired. And I don't know how to pray or humble myself. It's as if my knees won't bend--not in front of anyone else, and definitely not in front of God.

But then I look at that song up there, and I'm reminded. God tells me to say thanks. To offer Him gratitude. I can record a litany of things that have brought me to this point--it's too much pain to deal with... I'm emotionally exhausted, etc. But when was the last time I sat down and thanked God for a list of things? When was the last time I was able to pray?

Why does it keep getting harder to say thanks? I don't want to look at the darkness. I don't know what to ask God for--I'm afraid to ask Him for anything. I want to rest, but I forgot how. I want to thank God--my Spirit is screaming at me... why am I so afraid? Why are my lips sealed?


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