More Weddings

Thursday, June 2, 2005

I'm getting addicted.

I photographed Vanessa's wedding, attended Rayel's, and listened to several other people planning theirs. I've also been asked if I would be interested in photographing another one in September. Would I??!!!

Today, I'm off to another one in Indiana--Tee's! I'm actually *in* this one, but when I get back, I'll see what I can do to post a couple pictures. Happy, happy! But she's moving to Arizona. *grumpy look* That's too far. Still, it could be a good thing, if Pete and I happen to go out to AZ to visit his grandmother. She's really close to where Tee is going.

But yeah, there's another wedding on my mind too... My own, set for October.

I hope it's fun, but right now, I feel like it's really just an event that is putting everybody out. *soft sigh* I've got most of my stuff in place--now it's just coming up with the money to pay for it all by October!

A wedding is a tricky thing, I think.

A little girl stores up dreams and hopes about the man she'll marry and what walking down that aisle will be like. She plans her colors and *knows* what her dress is going to look like (no, really!), and she spends her growing up years trying to figure out what is her favorite flower, because that is what she's *going* to carry in her bouquet. Her flower girls will be cute; her bridesmaids will be beautiful; her groom will nearly faint at the sight of her. Her father will cry when he gives her away, and at the candlelit reception, she'll spin forever during the dancing--even if she never learned how to dance, it somehow seems like she magically can at her wedding.

But weddings now rarely take the form of a little girl's dream. She never thought about the stresses from the families' or their concern about the finances. A lack of vacation time never existed--of course everyone could come! She didn't realize that there were hordes of businesses that make money from her dreams, and she watches as her dreams get cut back and cut back as the practicalities take over.

By the time it is over, unless she has a ton of money, she's short of more than a few of her dreams, and the wedding has become a planning nightmare. Her dress is not the Cinderella dress she dreamed of because she settled for something sensible and affordable. The little girl who dreamed of floating down the aisle just wants to get it over with now, and by the time the dancing is done at the reception, she's ready to collapse in the high heels. The pictures meant to capture the moments take time away from her imagined sharing with the people she loves, and her groom's palms sweated during the ceremony. The violins were off-key, and the guests have to leave early.

It doesn't seem like there is very much to dream about in a scenario like that. I guess, though, that's the picture of a wedding without God. True confessions: I've been trying to do it without Him, and that's the picture I have of how my wedding could turn out. (Except, Pete only has one palm that will sweat. :-P) At the beginning, when Pete and I started courting, the world was wide open--I could dream about a wedding, after I'd shut it down.

But as things began to come in, I just started to beg the people in my life to please approve of me, of my choices, and of my decision to marry Pete. My life became a justification of my choice, and instead of looking at the God who gave me the gift, I've made others my God again--"Did I do that right? Should I choose this? What do you think?"

My dreams have gone flying down the tubes because I stopped trusting my Abba, and stopped waiting on Him to fulfill them. I guess I figured I could do it better.

I hope I get some time this weekend to think a bit about it... and to pray a bit too. My life is not my wedding. It is not my fiancé. My life... My God is my life... and I am so lost and empty when I am not walking with Him, talking to Him, sharing the little moments of my days with Him.

At my wedding... I want Him to come. I want to share how He has done a work in me, and in Pete, and for Himself in bringing us together. I'm so tired of the obligations and details... and the attacks that those things couldn't possibly matter to God.

I think I'm waiting for Him to meet me where I am... How could He love me like this?

The main quote on this blog is very appropriate today--My heart is restless until I find rest in Him. *soft sigh* It is because I am His... You know, that's really special.


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