Spark of Hope

Wednesday, June 8, 2005

Not, Lord, because I have done well or ill;
Not that my mind looks up to thee clear−eyed;
Not that it struggles in fast cerements tied;
Not that I need thee daily sorer still;
Not that I wretched, wander from thy will;
Not now for any cause to thee I cry,

But this, that thou art thou, and here am I.
~George MacDonald

I had a small moment of hope today. I've been learning a lot about how I've been telling God exactly what I need, and when He doesn't give it to me, I have grown frustrated with Him for holding back the best from me. It started last year, after the hospital, when I experienced a deep disappointment in Him. I had asked Him for something at His bidding, and He didn't send the something He'd led me to ask Him for. I left the hospital with nothing, because my faith was shattered over what I thought He was going to do and what He actually did. I didn't know how to love Him--only that I had to love Him, and I tried. Really I did. But it wasn't enough.

Instead of trusting Him and being filled with Him, I've been setting up my own life, seeking my own way, finding my own plans for things, and when they don't work out, I've been blaming God for letting me get hurt again. It's not a very pretty picture. I have taken the gifts He's given me and run with them, instead of stopping to thank Him for His work on my behalf, or taking time to ask Him what He wants me to do with them.

Today, I faced another disappointment. Someone had contacted me about photographing their wedding, but when I followed up on my offer today, they told me that they had decided to go with someone who had more experience. A wise choice, I know, especially for an event that is so important for you. It stung. But for the first time since the hospital, there was a tickling in my heart that turned my eyes toward God and His sovereignty. What does He know that I don't know? Could He actually have something better in mind than this particular opportunity that seems so golden to me?

It was a very cool thought, after the darkness I've been living in. I wonder what's coming!


un hermano tuyo said...

George MacDonald's writings are really cool. Have you ever read At the Back of the North Wind?

Anonymous said...

Lookie herie nowie Kellie...

To most people, "lack of experience" means poor organization or presentation of past results. Your work is good (even professional, I might say, but I'm no expert), but you've got to work on presenting it better. If you could present it well, you could sell AIR if you wanted to.

Herie's toie youie kiddie!

Kelly Sauer said...

I've never actually read that book, though I've heard the story. It's kind of heartbreaking...

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