Learning to Weep

Friday, July 1, 2005

I don't like to cry. Growing up, it was just dumb to cry. It was unnecessary--too many hormones or just "being a baby." Doesn't mean I didn't cry, but I sure tried not to.

As I've gotten older and gone through a bit more pain than I ever experienced when I wasn't allowed to be a cheerleader, I'm discovering that there is often a deep reason behind tears--and sometimes tears are the only language of pain.

I'm learning to weep again.

For months, I think I've shut myself down to anything that I didn't have to feel to survive... But a couple of weeks ago, God decided that He'd had enough with that, and He brought me to tears.

I was reading a book called The Heavenly Man, an autobiography by Chinese Brother Yun, a Chinese pastor who has been severly persecuted for his faith. In the book, Brother Yun describes how God held him up through his persecution, the fellowship of the Chinese believers, and their deep passion for the Word of God and the work of the Holy Spirit. Here was a man who believed God, and who lived his belief, who poured out his life for the work of the Gospel...

And here I was, trying not to let the Gospel affect my heart.

Trying not to let the passions that once filled my soul with fire take me over again because I didn't want to hurt. Trying to shut down even the pain the Lord would give me to bear because I didn't want to cry. Trying to pretend that the Kingdom of Heaven doesn't matter to me except as an interesting doctrinal idea that won't ever personally affect me. Trying to duck what persecution I'd already known, and not stepping into the role God created me for--just being His child, studying His Word, living from His heart.

I broke down sobbing, alone in my room.

It scared me.

To the point where the other night, I shut God down when He wanted me to pray for someone whose pain I once walked.

Yesterday, Pastor was talking about his passion for our generation--and my heart starts screaming with urgency. "Kelly, care. Kelly, you've got to care. You know God. You know His heart. You know that He wants you to live." And I ducked my head in shame and turned away.

Then today, the person I didn't want to pray for walked down the hall, and it was too much for the cries in my heart.

The tears came again. Each time I shut them down, I feel myself growing harder and harder and harder. But I almost don't know what to do now.

The ache can never be wept away--the sorrow of God is more than the tears of the world. I wanted to know His heart... and now I run from His pain--and cause Him more.

I want to learn to weep again. Please God.


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