More Than I Realize

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

Pete's and my most profound conversations occur at the oddest moments.

Last night, when we were both half asleep, we got to talking about my post from yesterday.

We talked about the questions I'd raised of unfulfilled relationships. I told him I didn't have any answers to the question yet; he told me that he was really glad and that he'd have been more worried about me if I did.

"Do you think that even if you *did* have fulfilling relationships, you would ever be satisfied?" he asked me.

No. The fear of loss is still there. But why are those desires there? Why do I struggle with them? Why do they hold themselves out as if they may be fulfilled?

"They're insatiable," he said. "Nobody will ever say it. We try to answer this and protect that and guard it and heal it and find the ultimate answer, but nobody ever comes out and admits that our unfulfilled desire is inextricably linked with our humanity, and that those desires cannot be fulfilled here.

I rambled on about how I feel that I am a very slow learner because I just don't see what God is trying to show me yet. He asked me if I could see anything at all.

"Well... it is as if in the year and a half since we got married, He's just been showing me again and again that He loves me where I am. He loves me perfectly. He's showing me that His love doesn't hold out expectations and consequences for when I'm not good enough. I'm just human, and He loves me as a human. And I think He cares about my dreams and doesn't want to crush them, and He created me as me and loves me as me."

I was surprised when the tears came.

God is fighting for my heart. He's not telling me I'm all this or all that. He's just there loving me, speaking to me in a language I can understand, quietly seeking my heart... wooing His bride as a Perfect Lover.

And the gifts He gives--they are such points of joy! They aren't fulfilling in themselves, but seen in the light of His love, Pete's consistently good grades, our baby, our home, the spring breezes, the window in my office, the perfect weekend Pete and I just shared, three wonderful home-cooked meals a day... He doesn't have to prove anything about His love for us, and yet He gives.

I think my cup may be running over... without my permission.


PaperYarnGirl said...

...nobody ever comes out and admits that our unfulfilled desire is inextricably linked with our humanity, and that those desires cannot be fulfilled here.

Bingo! I almost wrote something yesterday, regarding your post about friendship. But as a mom to four, sometimes my brain is so fried by the end of the day, I'm not able to think deeply enough to coagulate the thoughts that are in my heart into anything intelligible!

[break into Tevye mode (Fiddler on the Roof)]

On the one hand, I'm terribly lonely for a real friend. Someone who knows my heart, really sees the ups and downs, digs for something beyond the daily "How are you doing? Glad you're fine" stuff. On the other hand, I see why Father hasn't allowed that sort of friendship to develop. I'd turn that friendship into an idol quicker than I could spit. But it's such a lonely, aching hole - the desire to just be liked by someone - without judgment, in spite of my questions and my need to grow more and all the things that I stumble over in the context of being a good friend. And it would especially be nice if that friend was someone besides my husband. I mean, he loves me AND likes me, but there's this hunger for something beyond just him. (And I apologize that vocalizing that sounds so insulting to him... I don't mean it to be.)

On the other hand, the more I come to know Father, the more I know that hunger won't be satiated by human relationships. I know it's found only in Him. On other other hand, the more I know Him, the more real of a friend I am to others, and the more real their friendship seems to me - really touching that deep place of human relationship I long for, and scratching that itch. On other hand, the more satisfied I am, bit by bit, in these new friendships, the more I realize that in the end, they are merely a reflection of my relationship with Father, and their relationship with Father, and therefore, our relationship with each other.

[Tevye mode off]

So... no real answers, but lots of wonderment about how it is that I can become even more aware of my need for other people, more aware of my need for Father, more aware that humans will never fill those desires, and in spite of all that, more fulfilled in the new relationships Father has brought into my life!

Laura said...

Kelly!! It was such a delight to discover your blog from your comment yesterday on mine! It was such an encouragement to read about the wonderful ways God has been working in you life since we last corresponded while you were at HSLDA. Thank you for sharing.

- Laura I.

Kelly Sauer said...

Laura, LOL--I've been watching your blog for a while, and I didn't even know who you were! I just enjoyed your posting so much that I keep it in my favorites! Thanks for the note; it will be fun to know you in the future!

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