Every Day is Not a Good Day

Monday, August 27, 2007

Today, I have needed and worried and wept.

When I woke this morning for Piper's 6 a.m. feeding, I realized that I was having the neurological spasms that I have frequently had because of my Lyme's disease. Because I was pregnant, I had to stop the treatment I was on for this, and it has allowed my symptoms to flare again, especially during times of stress and when I am not getting enough rest.

After Piper ate, Pete took her for a walk, and I slept some more, to no avail. I was still having spasms when I woke again. I didn't know what to do. I can't care for Piper when I am having these. I don't know when I'm going to fall, and when they come, they take over my body. If anything were to happen to me while we were here alone, she wouldn't have anybody.

So Pete stayed home a bit this morning while I showered and ate. I felt awful keeping him, but I needed someone near. Thankfully, the spasms stopped, and he could go to work.

After he left, however, I was putting Piper into the front pack we got for her this weekend, and as the latch on the carrier clicked into place, she started screaming. I had accidentally caught her arm in the latch, and it had pinched her soundly.

I scrambled to get her out of the carrier to hold her as she cried, and I held her and we cried. I cried long after she stopped. One minute, she was happy and cheerful, and the next, I had hurt her. I know that this is a part of life sometimes. Still, every time I see the mark on her arm, I have cried.

Now she is asleep in the carrier on my chest, very fussy when she wakes as her binky falls out, but otherwise restful. I know she won't remember. I don't know if I will forget.

Every day is not a good day.

And I have a dentist appointment in an hour.


nic said...

Oh Kelly! That's awful that you're having spasms again! If you ever need someone to stay with you, give me a call!

As for snapping little Piper's arm...I know how you feel! When CJ was only four weeks old I tried to clip his fingernails. Unfortunately, I clipped a little skin with the nail. And like you did with Piper, I cried long after CJ had already stopped.

Thankfully we moms have enough good days to counteract our bad ones...hope things get back to normal for you soon!

PaperYarnGirl said...


Leeann said...

I will proclaim the name of the LORD. Oh, praise the greatness of our God! He is the Rock, His works are perfect, and all His ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is He… is he not your Father, your Creator, who made you and formed you? Remember the days of old; consider the generations long past. Ask your father and he will tell you, your elders, and they will explain to you... in a desert land He found him, in a barren and howling waste. He shielded him and cared for him; He guarded him as the apple of his eye, like an eagle that stirs up its nest and hovers over its young, that spreads its wings to catch them and carries them on its pinions. ~ from Deuteronomy 32

Sarah said...

I know it might sound trite, but hang in there! Last week Thursday was a very rough day for us, while others might not have considered it such, for me it was. At any rate I found myself crying and holding my crying baby. Ugh... I felt like such a lousy mother... and yet deep down I knew that wasn't true. I loved my little girl and I'm doing my very best and God is always there to help me and to help her. Hang in there on those tough days and know that He will take care of you and He will take care of Piper. Think of the lilys of the field and the sparrows... if He cares for them, how much more He cares for us.

Kelly Sauer said...

Yesterday was one of those days that could have been handled much better if I had not just had a solid week of high stress. *wry grin* We were beyond hanging. We were acknowledging reality, and reality stunk!

We're doing better today. ;-)

Megs said...

I'm praying for y'all, Kel, as always!!

Love and Hugs,

Post a Comment

Talk to me, if you like.