A Year Ago

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

A year ago today, I started the day with a "Good morning, Daddy."

I'm still not sure I have caught up.

Having a baby has changed my entire life. First it was little things like morning sickness and an increased appetite. Then it got obviously bigger as I grew out of my clothing and out of my own skin. Shooting weddings got harder. So did finding enough energy to retouch my images. Then I left my full time office job to come home.

One afternoon in July, I wasn't pregnant anymore.

Serious adjustment began. I was on call 24 hours a day to feed and care for this little thing who needed *so much.* Time out of the house was nearly non-existent. Time alone with Pete? I can still count on one hand the number of times.

Finding time to do my hair is next to impossible, and I've forgotten what I look like with make-up.When I go shopping, I shop for jeans and tops that I can nurse in. I can no longer look at something on the rack and buy it without trying it on because I know my size.

I can't remember the last time I slept through the night.

The move we made over the last two weeks has only added to the sense that I am living the surreal. My expectations of myself are lower, and yet it seems as though I'm accomplishing more. Granted, I've never had three bathrooms to clean or a nursery to maintain before!

Still, in all the strangeness of this new life, when I think thoughts like, "Wow, I can't imagine ever going back to work now" and "There's too much laundry to do" and "It's time for the baby to go to bed," I am discovering how completely unchangeable God Himself is.

Our relationship is dynamic and deepening -- I don't know if I've ever been as honest with Him as I have since Piper's birth. I've shared my frustrations and my wonder and I've even prayed about finding jeans in the right price and size!

But He is still the same God I have been learning to know, and I am discovering a new rest deep in my heart as I trust Him more when everything in my life is changing and unsettled.

All my life I have heard that I should trust God, but only recently have I really started to understand that trust isn't just a change in your mental attitude. Trust exists in relationship, when the relationship has been tried and one has found the other faithful.

I wouldn't trade the last year of my life to go back and be where I was before. I wouldn't fit there. My faith wouldn't fit there either. After what I've been through with God in the last year, I feel like I can out on Him to try bigger and bigger things, to test the limits of His promise to give exceedingly, abundantly above all that I can ask or imagine.

Being a mom feels like flying by the seat of my pants. So does being a wife. And a being a photographer. And being a Christian. But that's what life is, flying by the seat of my pants! That's what faith is! And that is *why* I need an Abba to be so strong for me in this ever-changing, crazy, uncertain, unsettled thing we call living.

Wow. Didn't know I had that much to say. I was just remembering that positive pregnancy test. I guess God had more in mind for me than I thought then!


nic said...

Ah! I can relate! God is so good to be with us through it all - and look how far we've come!

Anonymous said...

Amen, Kelly!
That's exactly what I needed to read and be reminded of.

Kevin said...


The scary thing is that our children, as they grow older and sense the ever-changing world, will look to us for constancy and grounding and firmness. It's hard when we feel life is always changing and we are flying by the seat of our pants. But what they want is love and love is very grounding and can be a very constant thing. That's what we feel in God. His love. His constant, grounding, firm love. We teach our children all about it by the way we love them. Cool!


Post a Comment

Talk to me, if you like.