Monday Morning

Today I am happy.

This is not the post I meant to write last week. Last week, I was going to post a post filled to overflowing with praise for the God who helped Pete pass the Bar when he took it the week after Piper was born. Wouldn't that have made a great story? What a victory!

But Pete did not pass the Bar.

And for the first time in over a year, I no longer feel trapped. I am happy. I can think of very few times in my life that I have been happier.

You see, when we married, Pete and I headed for Canaan. We wanted it all. The milk, the honey, the green grass, and the purple sunsets. We wanted all of Him. We wanted to be available to follow Him wherever He led us, no matter how little sense it made to the rest of the world. Gradually, though, our dream began to fade in the shadowy light of what most people call "real life." We were headed for Canaan, then California, then D.C., then... well, we didn't know if we wouldn't have to stay at HSLDA.

We staked our plans and our ideals on Pete's Bar passage.

We forgot how much we wanted to trust God to lead us anywhere.

On Friday, He burst back into our lives with the assurance that He had not forgotten us, or our desire for Him.

Pete did not pass the Bar.

But God has not abandoned us. I have the funniest, sneakiest feeling that we might have outwitted Satan, with our Abba's help. I can just see him going up to God like he did with Job and pointing out, "Look, they've got so many plans put toward passing the Bar - I bet they'll hate you if they fail."

Nope. All that talk we made about faith, about believing God was big enough to provide for us - it wasn't just talk. We don't want it to be just talk. He knew that. We could have gone on if we passed the Bar, and we might not have rediscovered His heart. How tender He is with us!

It has been such a long, tired weekend, but what a peace He has brought into our lives! I feel like we could go anywhere, do anything - whether we retake the Bar or not! For the first time in forever, I don't want to hide away. He didn't drop the ball in not giving us what we thought we wanted - He has given us more! More of Him. More than I thought possible.

I told someone the other day that I wanted to live so that my life wouldn't make sense without God.

I'm there. And I have so much. I'm in love with my husband. I have a beautiful baby. We have a roof over our heads, and we're able to offer a place for Kate. We have food to eat and money for Christmas gifts. We have family and friends who support us and people who care about us.

But most of all, we have a very big God. We have the whole world in front of us, and a God who is big enough to handle it. Whatever the outcome, wherever He leads... wow...

I have never been more content in my entire life.

Today I am happy. Because I know He loves us this much.