"I was at a point in my life where my faith in God and the loving purposes of Creation was very insecure, and I wanted desperately to have my faith strengthened. If I could not believe in a God who truly cared about every atom and subatom of his creation, then life seemed hardly worth living. I asked questions, cosmic questions, and the German theologians answered them all - and they were questions that should not have been answered in such a finite, laboratory-proof manner. I read their rigid answers, and I thought sadly, If I have to believe all this limiting of God, then I cannot be a Christian. And I wanted to be one."I had yet to learn the faithfulness of doubt. This is often assumed by the judgmental to be faithlessness, but it is not; it is a prerequisite for a living faith.
"Francis Bacon writes in De Augmentis,'If we begin with certainties, we will end in doubt. But if we begin with doubts and bear them patiently, we may end in certainty.'
"The anonymous author of The Cloud of Unknowing writes, 'By love God may be gotten and holden, but by thought or understanding, never.'
"Love, not answers.
"Love, which trusts God so implicitly despite the cloud (and is not the cloud a sign of God?), that it is brave enough to ask questions, no matter how fearful."
~Madeleine L'Engle, Walking on Water
___________
I have many questions right now. And not so many answers.
In our own minds, I think we are all protagonists of our stories, but I'm starting to realize that God is the Protagonist of His story, and somehow, the situations that surround me and affect me are about Him.
So I ask my questions and hope desperately (but don't I have a sure and certain hope?) that His love is trustworthy as He says, because I don't understand why I'm here, and I cannot comprehend the direction behind these plot-lines. I don't think I want the answers anymore... but I think I am afraid to want Him.
As my big brother Corey always used to remind me, "He is not a tame lion, but He is good..."
2 comments:
To quote Lewis again, from the end of "Till We Have Faces":
'I ended my first book with the words 'no answer.' I know now, Lord, why You utter no answer. You are Yourself the answer. Before You face questions die away. What other answer would suffice? Only words, words; to be led out to battle against other words.'
thank you for this post and the transparency about doubt and your health. it is hard to realize God is the protagonist in The story for many reasons, not the least of which is that I must momentarily examine whether or not I am the antagonist. Great sermon on story here: http://sermons.redeemer.com/store/index.cfm?fuseaction=product.display&Product_ID=18188
(Tim Keller is the only pastor I will pay to hear - worth it by far)
Post a Comment
Talk to me, if you like.