Not Home

Monday, March 17, 2008

I want to go home.

Home to our cottage at Stonemeadow Brook.

I cry nearly every other day about this.

I try to distract myself by dreaming about where we could go from here. I try to tell myself that we won't be in this townhouse forever. I try to be happy for the couple who will get to live there now.

And then the breeze blows the scent of spring, and the peepers sing because the rain is coming on, and all my well-intentioned distractions crumble into dust.

I am so homesick.

I know that I am not supposed to get attached to a place on this earth, that my security and best Home is in my Father. Right now, I hate Him for that.

This wearing-away of *me* to become wholly His hurts so much.

Jesus didn't have a place to lay His head.

But I don't want His life. I have my own.

But I want His Life.

It doesn't feel like God's provision is better than I can ask or imagine. Not right now.


Debi said...

This is the first time I have read your blog, but I just wanted to say that I so appreciate your heart and vulnerability. We just moved about 6 months ago - away from friend, family...everything we loved. I so know the ache in your heart. I so understand.

My encouragement: remain weak. I know that's not always the most 'fun', but in that place of weakness, He loves to meet you. He will reveal His heart, as you fall into His embrace.

I will pray that He allows you to see a measure of His heart that you have never seen before. May He enlarge the capacity of your heart to experience a love that surpasses knowledge (Eph. 3).


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