Pray

I pray Thee, Lord, my soul to keep...
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Two men submit their job applications. One prays to god as he waits, the other waits. They both get accepted. One praises god as he throws his hands up in joy, the other throws his hands up in joy.

Two men are waiting for parole. One prays and worries, the other worries. They both walk free. One thanks god as he leaves, the other leaves.

Two men have a cold. One prays to get better as he drives to work, the other drives to work. They both go home with a cold. One thanks god he got through the day as he goes to sleep, the other goes to sleep.

Two men need money. One prays and asks his parents, the other asks his parents. Both their parents love them and give them money. One thanks god as he says thank you, the other says thank you.

Does prayer even matter?

~Elizabeth, My Story, "Prayer?"
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This post hurt. This is how I have felt about prayer over the last couple of years. What difference does it make, really, if you pour your heart out to God over everything?

As I've been processing this shedding of my dreams that I've shared here, asking God for things, even for Himself, seems so... off-limits, because I'm asking for me, no matter how you parse it. I want something only He can give, and it doesn't come, so I'm to take a lesson and try to explain the "why" behind it so I'm okay with it?

Life happens.

I've really been wrestling a lot with it this week because I'm absolutely sick over something Pete shared from work. Dad and Mom go to hospital for emergency delivery because Mom is developing toxemia. They leave kids home with 14-year-old. 20-month-old has flu. 20-month-old dies of suffocation because he can't breathe.

How do you pray? What do you say? "God, help?" Why didn't He help before? This can't be undone!

Job lost ten kids in a tornado. And God was God.

I am coming to the conclusion that sometimes, "pray" means "beg." With an ache that doesn't go away.

I have no answers for the crap that happens in life. I don't want them. I think the explanations might hurt more than running to Him and asking Him to just please hold me and make it better when it hurts - like I do with Piper. I can't undo her pain... I can only tell her that "Mama's here." Sometimes, it helps.

Sometimes it doesn't.

He lived this too, though. And He bore the ache of centuries...