Tuesday, June 3, 2008

But often, in the world’s most crowded streets
But often, in the din of strife,
There rises an unspeakable desire
After the knowledge of our buried life:
A thirst to spend our fire and restless force
In tracking out our true, original course;
A longing to inquire
Into the mystery of this heart which beats
So wild, so deep in us—to know
Whence our lives come and where they go.

~Matthew Arnold, The Buried Life

On Saturday, I admitted it to myself.

I stumbled over the blog of an old friend. She is a really cool person. Beautiful. One of the passionate people I have known. Disciplined in her pursuit of God. Talented. She has a degree. She is a real writer. She's truly profound.

I can't get her picture out of my head.

I wanted to be her when I grew up.

And I'm not.

I am a college drop-out. A stay-at-home mom. I'm constantly behind on my photography editing, and discipline where God is concerned usually means that I'm talking to Him and not running scared. I merely blog and I will probably never be published. Most of the time my attempts at profundity come out sounding pretentious.

I look very little like the person I meant to be. I feel intimidated, inadequate, small next to others who are living the things I wanted to be.

Pete tells me I impact people by being the person that I am. I wonder if who I am is different both from what I am, and different from who I think I am. Pete says I am profound when I didn't intend to be profound.

He sees something in me that I don't see in myself. I don't think I am able to see it while I am trying to be someone else. I've been running away from me.

The Psalmist exclaims, "God knit me together in my mother's womb. I will praise Him, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made!"

But I'm not as pretty as I want to be. I'm not as eloquent as I know I could be. I'm not graceful. I'm not healthy. I'm not as sweet as I imagine myself being someday, nor as kind as I wish to be. I'm not doing anything great with my life.

I don't expect that when I die, I will have done anything that most people will think astounding. I hope that the person I am will be someone worth remembering.

So I suppose I will keep puttering around, trying to get done with my photo editing and keep up with my very busy daughter around the Lyme disease which appears to be worsening and depriving me even of the small function I've regained since Piper's birth. I'll try not to feel too intimidated by the people I want to be.

Wow, that sounds resigned.

I wish I could be so much more than I am.

"O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; You perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; You are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue You know it completely, O LORD.

"You hem me in—behind and before; You have laid your hand upon me....

"For you created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be.

"How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them..."

~Psalm 139:1-5, 13-17


HisDelightIsInMe said...

I wouldn't be surprised if the person whose blog you came across is almost as discontented as yourself. . . I only relate to her on a couple of categories, but I do have a degree :-p and I know one of the hardest things is wondering is *this* me? I love my studies, and my work, and my writing (although I've never been published, and if I am it will probably be boring stiff academic stuff) but every time I hold a baby I wonder if I'll ever have one of my own. . . I guess we all need to learn to pursue who *HE* is creating us to be rather than who we think we might want to be . . .

Tricia said...

I don't think the women of old had any idea of the influence they were having on the world. By today's standards, they were virtually nothing outside of their husband and children. And yet they were the mothers of Israel. All the degrees and accomplishments in the world could not compare to the legacy you'll leave behind in your children.

And as for those other people who are talented and beautiful and smart, I'm sure they'd have a reason to envy YOU.

tupperhilary said...

I whole-heartedly (and from experience) believe that the glasses we see ourselves through have very different--and warped--lenses than the ones of love and acceptance God sees us through. Learn to trust His eyes more than your own. Let what He sees lead you. It can be hard, but is necessary!

Heidi said...

I wrote a comment as a post. :)


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