Canaan... Or Bust

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

I told Pete last night that I feel schizophrenic.

On the one hand, I totally believe that God is going to provide for us. On the other, I don't believe that He's going to do anything and we need to take measures to provide for ourselves NOW before things get worse.

Pete is training his replacement. This is an awkward situation for both him and his replacement, because Pete has not given any formal notice of his departure, nor does he have another job waiting for him at the end of the training period.

Last Thursday, when they hired his replacement, I was excited. Wow! Something moved on the job front! God is working! Something's going to happen now, right?

But nothing has. No phone calls out of the blue, no answers to the queries we have sent out. Just breathless, suspenseful worry undulating in the back of my mind.

I know, it's only Tuesday. But if we're looking at moving to California (or God-knows-where) next month, we're tracking WAY too close to the last minute for my comfort.

I'd be the first to say that my comfort is *supposed* to be coming from Him. I know that I know that I know that God will provide. But I cannot quell this fear, the uncertainty that is wiggling around like so many butterflies in my heart.

I know what I think I need. A place where we can build a support system to help with the Lyme treatment. A job that Pete could work for five years so we could buy a house. Something near our families. Something away from here.

As I pray, I bargain down. "Well, God, I could live without this." "Okay, you could provide the support system if it's not..." "We don't have to buy a house right away." Just please, let it be something good!

He is in the business of clothing the grass we regularly mow down. He feeds the sparrows we don't even notice in the parking lot at Walmart. The Sauers are being offered a chance to cling not to what we know we should receive or to what we planned to have, but to Him.

I'm tired. I'm scared. I want to bawl at the thought of moving again after two months. I'm starting to doubt that our lives are ever going to "settle down." I'm beginning to be okay with that.

Why, oh why is the path we tread following Him only revealed one step at a time? Perhaps it is because if we knew the future, we would try to get there on our own, instead of drinking fully of Him. Perhaps it is because life isn't about right and wrong and the perfect will of God meaning perfect happiness for us here. Perhaps it is because He has forever, because He unbound by the constraints of time.

We watch our lives flash past, watch our children grow from helpless infants to toddler terrors to crazy teenagers, to become adults overnight. All we have slips through our fingers, even those moments we think we have attained what we were looking for. In the next moment, we find ourselves searching again.

I wonder if it is in this God who holds forever, who IS forever, that we find the timelessness we crave. He is always the same, He always provides, He is always faithful. Each day we find Him more full, more beautiful, deeper.

Why must I be so human?

Oh Lord, sustain us.


tupperhilary said...

I guess sometimes we can't see the future because God is still "working on it", shaping it to be what He wants for us (maybe things need to happen to others first so He can ready them for you). Sometimes we can't see it because if we did we'd either freak out in disbelief or in awe or in excitement. Most times we can't see the future, I think, because God wants us to take all the energy we put into trying to figure it all out and plan it all out and put it into the very present, where God's reality is deepest and love/relationship most needed. I'll pray for you and your family. That your present is not clouded by worry about the future. (BTW, I've not forgotten our email exchanges of the past...I'll get back to those real soon!)

Naomi said...

Hey lady~

While I don't understand the specifics of what you're going through right now, I definitely get the generalities :-P I'd like to give advice or something that sounds so wonderfully sage and mature . . . but that wouldn't be very accurate or even helpful. Just know that God knows what He's doing, friend. I'm praying for you and can't wait to see what He shows you in the next little while :-)

Jessica said...

"Perhaps it is because if we knew the future, we would try to get there on our own, instead of drinking fully of Him."

Amen to that! I've had those times where I told God, "I don't care what the answer is... Just tell me!!" But then I realize that if He did tell me right when I wanted to know, I wouldn't have to depend on Him so much. He takes us out of our comfort zone -- NOT fun -- but gives us the opportunity to lean on Him and see what He will do.

It was good to chat with you yesterday and to finally meet Piper! Praying for you, and hoping to hear how God has provided very soon.

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