He is I Am - Part II

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

We move in less than two weeks.

We planned to stay in this area for at least a year, but in the space of a week, everything changed.

Because Pete's replacement had been hired at his current job, he had been working long hours as a floating legal assistant. He was exhausted and with the new commute, wasn't getting home until after six some nights. He had received one offer from his current employer that we were unable to accept, and the pressure to leave was mounting. My stress levels were soaring. The exhaustion was getting worse. The convulsions were back. The house we're living in now doesn't have enough sunlight, and my depression had been worsening.

Pete was looking for a job in Northern VA. No one responded to his queries. He started looking in CA. No one responded.

Two weeks ago yesterday, an email came in with an ad for a legal assistant at a firm in Charleston. Pete responded, asking if they had any use for an attorney.

Within three days, they had garnered his salary/benefit requirements, resumé and Pete's commitment to an interview. Everything seemed to be falling into place. We began to get excited. The job was something Pete could enjoy. It would offer him the experience he needed to get a higher-paying attorney job either in Northern VA or in California. The cost of living in Charleston was right. We'd get to be near Gabe for a while. Buying raw milk was legal. Home birth was legal. Housing was 60% lower than it is in Northern VA. We could afford to buy.

I could see us settling down for five years. I could see getting a chance to rest, to treat the Lyme disease, to get some sunlight. I imagined getting a second car, having money for little extras, being able to have another baby.

The day after the interview, Pete received a job offer.

It was too low.

I went into a tailspin that spiraled away from the surface issues of job and house toward the resentment for God that lay in my heart.

By the time the spinning slowed for me, Pete had requested and was granted a higher salary and moving expenses. His new boss offered a house for us to rent month-to-month for a very affordable price while we looked for more permanent housing. Some friends of ours showed interest in taking over our lease. We were definitely moving.

And I had tried to stop looking at my circumstances as proof of God's care for me.

The last two weeks have been so spiritually intense I will never be able to explain in full everything that has happened. I suspect that perhaps it will trickle out as life goes on.

Realistically, I can't think my life will be perfect when we move to Charleston. In all the moves I've made (20-some), I loved the feeling of starting fresh, being a new person with new people who might like my new person. (They didn't, usually, but you can't say I didn't have enough chances to try.) This move is different. We may start over outwardly, but I will still carry the same heart down there with me. I think this is the first move I have ever made in which I am going with God, not with my own agenda.

I'm scared. It don't want to rent and move again. We're not sure we can afford to buy a house. I'm afraid that in letting go of my managerial approach to my circumstances, they will go whipping out of control. We don't have a ready-made support system in Charleston. Our landlord is getting married in September and is really not pleased with the situation. I don't want to move with my wedding photo-processing unfinished, and I'm not sure I can finish it.

Today, I know that God has not given me a spirit of fear. Even fear of God does not look like the duck-the-radar do-it-yourself life that I've been living. He says instead that by the Holy Spirit, I can cry out, Abba, "Daddy," "Father."

I don't understand this concept. What does a relationship with a heavenly Father who is God look like? I'm not yet ready to praise God for what He has done in arranging the circumstances of this move. How do I know He was involved at all? How do I know He wasn't? Do I have to know?

He is I AM. He exists outside of time and circumstance. This is the most comforting thing I know about Him. He will continue to change my heart and complete His work in me whether I'm here or in Charleston, whether I'm in a rental house I hate or a house of my own that I love. And He'll still be there if I lose everything. Not that I want to test that or anything.

We praise Him because He is God. If we have blessings, or our circumstances are wonderful, we thank Him for those too. But mostly, He is just God, and He deserves praise for that.

I have no idea if any of these thoughts connect. I needed to write today, to try to take the fuzzy edges off the surreality. Sometimes it's clearer when I write it for others. If you actually took the time to read both parts of this post, I thank you for walking with me.


nic said...

Wow - a lot of changes really fast! I'll be praying for you! Keep praying for us and our job search...

S. Mehrens said...

Congrats to Pete on the new job and the move. Sounds like you guys will be super busy getting ready to go and getting settled once you are there. I pray that it all goes well.

dancebythelight said...

Wow, what a story! That's really awesome how God's provided. And I've heard Charleston is absolutely lovely! I've always wanted to go there. I'm sure you'll get to take some wonderful photos and enjoy exploring.

Tricia said...

Goodness, Kelly...thanks for writing this out. God really is in control, isn't He?

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