Well, We Haven't Exploded

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Pete called our landlord last night, and over the phone, he was much more reasonable. They came to a possible solution for ending our lease if we don't get a renter in the next, oh, two days.

Thank you for your prayers, comments, and encouraging emails.

After yesterday's sick horror, things feel a lot better on the surface.

It seems God is plumbing the depths of my heart. Each time something has happened recently, I react against Him. I am discovering how little I trust Him. I have found after several years of doing the right thing that I was shutting myself down to Him, to everybody. The frustration I've had with people is exploding out of me in screaming rage at God now, for things that I thought I had accepted and dealt with long ago.

2 1/2 weeks ago, He unlocked my heart. I want to let Him have it. I want to be alive again.

But I really don't. There is so much pain there, so much I've been trying to ignore, trying to run away from. There is anger that frightens me. I know it doesn't frighten Him, and when I acknowledge it, I can't keep shaking my fist at Him.

Pete says that having a pure heart means that my heart has all been poured out before the Lord. It doesn't mean that all is resolved. It doesn't mean God knows anything He hasn't known. But it means I'm being real with Him. I guess He must want that from me even more than I really want it from Him.

Yesterday, I told Him while I was crying that I didn't know how to let go of my control and trust Him without shutting down, either through cynical acceptance or ironic sarcasm. When I say trust Him, I mean actively believing that He is working for my good because He loves me, even if I can't see it. I asked Him why can't He be a God for here.

He didn't give any answers, really. But I wasn't expecting it. I think He was just listening to my heart. I felt Him longing to comfort me. I folded my arms across my chest, not wanting to be touched yet, not wanting to give in yet. Not while I'm still angry. Not while I'm still a mess. Not while I can't bring any acceptance or right attitudes to Him.

What do you know of His love? I am discovering that there is nothing that frightens me so much as His love, as accepting it, as living in it, as glorying in it.

NOTE: I am aware that I am writing on a public forum. I am also aware that many of my posts recently have been rather personal. Writing is a way I process things. I am often more myself in writing than I am in person. I am not trying to make any blanket statements about who God is or isn't in these posts. I am sharing what is happening in my heart that is making me real and stripping me of my preconceived ideas of God and how I should relate to Him. I am praying as I post that it will touch your heart, that it will somehow encourage you to be willing to face yourself and Him so you can love Him with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength - and so that you can find the fullness of His love.

In all the struggle that I am experiencing, I a this sense that it is part of what He is doing in me, to bring ME, Kelly Sauer, to a knowledge of HIM. I am good at answers. I know a lot of truth. This is the point where what I know becomes faith, I think, and it won't be real for me until I walk it.

The strange part for me is knowing that Jesus felt all of this as a human. Gethsemane was only one night for Him, but I haven't been sweating blood yet.

I write here because writing for others often helps focus my thoughts. I write here because I don't mind if you walk it with me. I hope you will.

To my younger sisters (you know who you are), I am praying that what I share will not frighten you or make you think I am walking away from God. He is all I have. He is everything. I know in the depth of my soul that He is worth this, and that He is real, and He cares. I know that I am His.


dancebythelight said...

Kelly, thanks for sharing your heart. As you were sharing, the book "A Sacred Sorrow: Reaching Out to God in the Lost Language of Lament" by Michael Card came to mind. This book was incredible, and changed my perspective when it comes to crying out to God. It really opened me up to being honest with God and not "hiding" the way I feel from him (like I could, but you know what I'm saying).

Katrina said...

These soul-deep posts you've been writing have been working inside of me, too, Kelly. I share a lot of your struggle to trust God's love and goodness in the face of darkness and trials, and seeing Him building up your faith brick by brick is strengthening mine as well. Thank you so much for opening up your personal walk and sharing it on your blog. Your "a-ha" moments are contagious!

Amber said...

This is your "lurker" again, Kelly. :)

Thanks for this post. I know what you mean about being more real in your writing than in person.

I was just thinking as I read this, what a proof of God's love; you can't get away from Him, if you're His, no matter how much you want to.

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