Tuesday, January 13, 2009

The morning sky is grim today. Exhausted. Determined.

My office windows are speckled with water; a thin curtain of mist softens my view of the neighbors' tired brick ranch that looks like every other tired brick ranch in our neighborhood. I am glad we live in the little blue house with white trim.

It is all here, my life laid out in front of me, raw, open, visible, unchangeable yet existing in the throes of transformation beyond my control. It is what it is, I am what I am, and somehow in it all, He is here and making me.

I get up to get Piper down from her perch; she has a banana now. The playing cards are all over the kitchen floor. I turn up the heat. The humidity here seeps into me.

I think about choices, how I will never know enough to choose enough. My heart, being replaced and renewed, is still unknowable for He fills me with Himself, and He is unfathomable. Adam and Eve didn't know right from wrong once, and they walked with Him. They chose right and wrong and we all followed, forgetting Him.

The who, the why, the how - the questions bother me. I am unfinished. The raindrops on my window distort the world outside; my mirror is dark this morning. I am glad - so much is already revealed in me.

What makes me different from any other woman? It is not what I say. It is not a better attitude. I don't complain less or pray more; I am imperfect. I am broken, breaking - no, I am being broken.

And I am being made whole.

Is it His love that makes the difference? I think it must be, for it was love that brought Him to the Cross.

I don't always know how to talk with Him. That is what prayer is, you know. An ongoing conversation. We make it into a wish-list.

I am tired. That is all I have been able to say recently. How did Isaiah put it? I am Undone.

Today I don't mind the rain. Sometimes the gray reveals more than the sunlight. Have you ever noticed how the colors contrast with the clouds?


dancebythelight said...

"Sometimes the gray reveals more than the sunlight."

True. Sometimes the sunlight can be blinding.

Post a Comment

Talk to me, if you like.