sanity: a rediscover

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Yesterday didn't begin well. It was rather like this gate, not very focused, blurred around the edges. You know, I don't deal very well with change, and yesterday's change was heartbreaking - our neighbors had their huge magnolia taken down. The screaming of the chainsaw frayed my already-schizophrenic nerves after Pete left with Piper to go grocery shopping, and by the time he came through the door with the perfect gift, I was in tears.

Today, I've cleaned up my study, raised my monitor, processed some photos, put a new chair at my desk. I'm hoping that I will feel a bit more organized and professional. Snort.

Is it interesting to you how much of life just isn't bloggable? You can't capture everything on camera, and taking time to put it all into words is barely feasible for a good writer, let alone the majority of us who just scribble out our thoughts.

I've been drafting an article lately that is taking a lot more time than I planned when I put in my query a month ago. The weddings I'm working on have been taking more out of me than I have to give. My blog posts have been somewhat flat of late. I'm not really that sorry; there's some living going on at this end, some time with Pete and Piper, a bit of housework, some sleep, a sinus infection that necessitated a raising my pill dose and intensifying my herxheimer (we're up to ten garlic now!), even a little piano-playing.

I'll never get all that on here; I don't even care to try, really. I took way too many pictures yesterday - I wonder how many my readers will see?

We humans are spiritual beings, and our spirits reach for so much more than we have the physical capacity to handle. Or maybe it's just me. I don't know. But whatever it is, I found myself crying last night (I hate hormones - I spend the first half of the month mad, and the second half bawling) at the promise that someday we aren't going to be bound to our flesh anymore. The groaning always hurts. We women get it even more deeply than men, I think. Remember having that baby? We just want the labor to be OVER already, to have that baby in our arms, to be done with the pain...

Sometimes, I think holding onto sanity is as simple as NOT trying to do everything we want to do to get past the pain. I fight this every day. There is always so much that needs to be done, so much I want to do, so much I don't have energy to pursue, so much I can't do - if I stayed busy enough, I wouldn't notice. I get angry with God over my health issues, frustrated with my own limitations. Wishing I could overcome them to forget the groaning.

But He is good; I know this. I say it, knowing that there will be those who read it who don't know it, who don't agree. I didn't know, didn't really agree for a long time. He didn't create me for this. He created me for Himself. Jesus came as God in the flesh to experience the groaning we know, to die the death that we fear, to free our spirits into His incredible Life.

So here I am again, jotting down only some of my thoughts about His fullness, about His Life, about Him, while I find myself sitting back helpless again, waiting for Him to change me, feeling that tension between what is and what should be.

You know, I want to walk through that gate to the field beyond, throw my arms out, and spin until I can't spin anymore (which isn't very long, because I get dizzy so easily!). But it's not my property, and the car is moving. Which could be a problem. And I have more work waiting. It doesn't seem so daunting at the moment. A little rest leaves me something to give.


emily said...

Kelly, I have been thinking such similar thoughts lately, I wonder if we are connected somehow. So much in life is not bloggable, you say it well. So much isn't while too much is. I can't keep up and I have a headache. But Life is inside wanting to come out and overflow Himself all over. Hard to capture and communicate. But I know we won't stop trying.

||| laura frantz ||| said...

I am loving this Pooh-ish post title, and I'm loving your honesty. I'm waiting for His labor of love to be perfected in my life, too, but I have a feeling He won't finish with me any time soon. Ten miles into the woods, ten miles out!

Heather said...

"...'Don't be afraid. Just stand where you are and watch the Lord rescue you....The Lord himself will fight for you. You won't have to lift a finger in your defense!'" Exodus 14:13-14, NLT

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