and i hate this song

Saturday, March 28, 2009

There's a mother on her knees
somewhere in San Francisco
looking up and begging please
God, do not forget me now
her baby's on machines
'cause his heart can not keep beating
and she knows what desperate means
'cause the clock is ticking down, down
and hope rushed in like waves
that someone might just save the day
and if heaven's just a prayer away
then why, she cries, would God not change things?
It may be miles and miles before the journey's clear
there may be rivers, may be oceans of tears
but the very hand that shields your eyes from understanding
is the hand that will be holding you for miles

There's another mother on her knees
somewhere in San Franciso
looking up and begging please
God, do not forget me now
it happened like a dream
he was laughing, he was running
then she heard the sirens scream
when her little boy fell down, down
She had never known
the agony of letting go
but a few miles down the road
his heart would find a baby boy just in time

One moment someone whispers thank you
just then another heart cries, how could you?
when Jesus, who sees us, He says I hear you
I'm near you

It may be miles and miles before the journey's clear
there may be rivers, may be oceans of tears
but the very hand that shields your eyes from understanding
is the Hand that will be holding you for miles

~Nichole Nordeman, Miles

The barometric pressure always messes with me. I told someone this week that I try to take the depression to a quiet place now, do something constructive with it, create soft dark pictures, spend more time hugging and holding Piper, think of things to do on a sunny day, have a cup of tea, take a picture of a book (because I can't sit down to read without Piper storming the gates). Mostly, I think it just puts me in closer touch with my emotions...

So I'm a little down today. Pete is out with Kate and Piper picking up groceries, and I'm home listening to my music and trying to find an even keel after my wedding shoot nightmare last night.

And as this I hate this song, which is based on a true story. I hate what it means, the explanation that seems so obvious, the inescapable ache of what our sin meant for this world, for our children, the seemingly small comfort for one mother and the huge comfort for the other, the total unfairness of the thing. If I were God, I would heal the one and protect the other, and they would both be okay.

But I know the song only vividly illustrates what is true about the way He works sometimes. I've tried being angry with Him for it, but that just doesn't work. I'm not big enough to trump His sovereignty. Today for the first time as I listened to the song, I wept, and I mean wept. I was overcome with the sorrow of it all, tired of the struggle to understand God's thoughts and ways so I can make sense out of Him and predict what He is doing.

And as I crumbled inside and it all fell out in my tears, I found myself moved inexplicably to praise. To absolute amazement at His knowledge and glory and mercy and sovereignty. I've been walled off from Him for so long because of something I lost, something He allowed to be taken - my heart began to open, almost against my will.

My hands opened, something changed, and I worshipped my God because He *is* God. Because whatever happens, He will always deserve my praise because He is "I Am."

What will His glory be when I see Him someday and He reveals to me what I could not understand?


Magic Brush said...

Found you from Chatting at the Sky... I wanted to tell you that I am a professional faux finisher and recently did a post on my blog about redoing kitchen cabinets. I could email you my tutorial on painting your cabinets cream with a glaze.

I was intrigued by your blog. When I read this post I thought perhaps you followed the "My Charming Kids / praying for Stellan" blog that about a jillion people are following.

I just wanted to say hello and that I found your posts interesting and I hope you feel the Lord's nearness today. Bless you.

Leeann said...

Words from one of my favourite hymns comes to mind:

Soon shall close thy earthly mission
Swift shall pass thy pilgrim days
Hope shall change to glad fruition
Faith to sight and prayer to praise...

I love the moments that He allows us to praise Him in the way you described... now we know just in part, but when we know in full...
It's going to be spectacular.

Heather said...

two weeks ago my close fiend's baby boy fell into a five gallon bucket and was on life support they took him off and he breathed on his own...He is in the fight for this life though..thanks for posting the words to this song...I am reminded that God is in control, however hard that is to admit, and accept...its true and there is a lot of peace in that.

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