one and one makes one and two and three...

Saturday, April 18, 2009

and i don't know how it happens, but i lie awake and try to make sense out of the feeling that i know is true. sleep doesn't come; i'm hungry again - i can't believe I'm hungry again after that lovely dinner to celebrate joy with friends who drove to Charleston for dinner with us at a lovely restaurant we hadn't discovered. i'm hungry and i can't sleep; i'm too aware of this new presence, a new life, growing inside me, already needing me to remember it, already changing me.

i know those hundred photos left on that wedding i've nearly finished will still be there to finish tomorrow, and the pre-release from our wedding last saturday, and three more weddings to go before the last one i will shoot in july. and piper will need me tomorrow just like she does every day and pete will be pete and we will have the same routine we have had, but it will be different.

i wonder what every mom who is having another baby must feel, though i admit, i rarely feel what everyone feels - or perhaps i'm just one who admits what others fear. i don't know. the words swirl in my mind, feelings seeking release from the overwhelmed, and i write and i remember that i am still me and this is good.

piper is in our bed and pete has wakened. i think of what this will mean for us, hope i'm not too sensitive or too frustrated. it is hard to rest tonight, to digest the hundred happy comments from people who know how wonderful this is, who know it before i do because i'm still swimming around in these thoughts.

my shadow has caught up with my body, my body that is not my body again already, and the real is almost too much, except for a prayer i prayed lately to trust God with whatever He wanted for me in this, a new baby and trusting Him with a new baby, or just piper and us and Him. i think He likes surprising me, and i am surprised and a little afraid and wondering what plan He has for this new little life that is in His hands already before i will hold it in mine.

the "pregnant" is still here on my desk, clear as day, and i know it is real and i am real and i wish i didn't feel quite so deeply because then i could sleep. but perhaps if i didn't feel i couldn't love and already my heart is expanding.

i was pregnant yesterday, and i didn't know it. it isn't so different today, except the knowing i had within is staring me in the face and whether i tested today or in two weeks it would still be true and there would be a life in me a second time, still new, still different, still changing me forever.

lives do that, the people we love, they change us. it just happens. it's part of living, part of being, part of who He made us to be.

tomorrow - today - i may take a day off, make some room to breathe again. i'll push back a few deadlines again and hope it's okay to rest and to feel for a little while so i have something to give.

it is a miracle, this whole thing, what God is doing in my womb, what He is doing in my heart. i feel it more now than i did with piper; perhaps i understand more than i did then what it all means. i know i'm still years away from grasping it all, from being the mom i want to be, from laying my life entirely down for those i love. i am glad for patience, for hope that comes from the surety of Promises that must be fulfilled, that God loves me and is sanctifying my heart and He is drawing me nearer to Him.

i can't resent it. i'm not sure how to feel, really, but i know it is a gift, and i thanked Him for it today, for letting me trust Him and not worry. i type "button" into my labels box and stare and sigh a little because it is real and not a dream, at least i don't think it is - maybe i've only been dreaming all day. i'm up at a strange time of night.

it is a baby. there will be a baby at the end of this. a little one to hold. a little life i already desire to know, and i know that was God.


dancebythelight said...

Beautiful. I remember feeling much of what you shared when I was expecting the boys (but before I knew there were two--which when I knew that my whole world shifted).

Undeserving said...

I really relate to this: "i was pregnant yesterday, and i didn't know it. it isn't so different today, except the knowing i had within is staring me in the face". I've felt the same thing... and my own little "pregnant" reminder is still sitting on the vanity, reminding me of what seems like a dream. Well, what seemed like a dream until my nausea came back to trigger my memory that something is different. It's better this time around, though, because as I walk this path there is a little one holding my hand, reminding me of the joys and beauty to come. I don't have to imagine as much now. I know.

patty said...

this post is beautiful... brings back memories of my pregancies. i hope you enjoy every. single. minute. of it...

Jessica said...

Sounds very similar to how I felt when I discovered I was pregnant with Sierra. With Lucy it was a bit different... maybe partly, as you said, because I understood it better, and knew more of what I was getting into. As well as various emotions relating to the fact that we were not totally expecting it...

The good news is, despite swirling emotions, life goes on and God takes care of you. We chose Sierra's name partly to represent that: "Sierra" meaning mountain range, because I felt as though Jeremy and I were in for a difficult climb, and "Grace" because I knew He would give us the grace to get to the top and see how beautiful things looked from there. God keeps bringing that truth back to me every time I think about her name.

And even as she is interrupting my typing right now with her cries and needs, I know she is a gift from Him and she's worth it. :-)

the Joneses said...

I like how you're able to articulate "swirling thoughts." Not everyone can.

Once you have this unknown little one in your life, you'll look back when it was just Piper and think, "Look at what our lives were missing and we didn't even know it!"

On a more practical note, the best thing we ever did for Addie was have Stuart. :)

-- SJ

jeanamarie said...

hey. i didn't realise you had another blog.

lovely, honest post.

Gabrielle Kai Photography said...

First off - congrats!

Secondly, take your time. Push back those deadlines. Relish this moment. Realize what your body is beginning to embark upon.

I love the above image with these words. Beautiful.

I'm so happy for you!

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