it's a monday afternoon

Monday, May 11, 2009

I actually have dinner on the stove, chili from scratch tonight, an "ode to SSU," a favorite restaurant in Virginia that makes the best chili I've ever had. Piper is happily watching Pooh, Mia is grousing about her food again, and our new little kitten, as yet unofficially christened "Nanook," is sleeping behind her gate in the kitchen, avoiding Mia's kvetching.

I have a moment to sit, and I have no one to call, since my mom is out today and Kate's phone is dead and I just called my mother-in-law yesterday.

I think about writing my vent about the new direction that kids' shows have taken, about how annoyed I am that they are so absolutely unintelligent as to talk down to their audience. I don't wonder at the state of our culture. We've evolved, don't you see? We just don't need everything our parents needed. Like lifelong marriage. Or a conservative view of the world. Or an acknowledgment of God. After all, we got here all on our own, didn't we? Blah. I shouldn't watch cable when I'm sacked out on the couch. Still, there is something to understanding where the rest of the world is coming from, even if I completely disagree with their basic premise from the get-go.

Pete and I took a drive yesterday while Piper napped in the car. I had some snacks along, and we just enjoyed the time to talk. We talked mostly about God, left the figuring out of life pretty much alone, and came to the conclusion that what we have learned and held and seen from Him is something we've learned by His Spirit alone, something we couldn't have decided to learn, and we were very grateful together. I cried. But I do that a lot lately. Being pregnant makes me weepy.

I pulled the maternity clothes back out today, some that I just loved and can't wait to wear again, and some that I can't believe I held onto, I felt so ugly in them. I'm annoyed that all of my pants are already almost too tight to wear, and I'm kissing my size 4/6 goodbye again for another two years or so. Sigh. I had just gotten up the courage to start buying clothes in my size again, instead of wearing the over-sized after-pregnancy collection I've amassed. At least I had them, though or I'd have been out of everything by now, like I was when I got pregnant with Piper.

Food is starting to appeal to me again, which is a good thing, and I'm doing a little better sitting up and doing things. It's a relief, though it is making me wonder a bit if I'm not a month further along than I think I am...

Mother's Day left me thoughtful this year, with a toddler at home and a baby on the way. It was never my plan to be a mother, per se, not that I had a ton of plans for what to do with my life. Most everything I wanted seems kinda empty right now anyway, especially through the nausea. I'm learning to be thankful for small graces, conversations with Pete, a dinner *I* made, a hug from Piper when she's trying to make up for making me mad.

I know I'm just living right now, whether my passion and drive for God is dumping out with any visibility, or whether I'm just getting through the day remembering that this baby was pretty much His idea and I can alternately blame Him/trust Him with the whole thing at any given moment. It seems somewhat understated, this idea of doing *everything* for His glory. I'm not used to the things on this list, the eating when I feel sick, the changing that dirty diaper over my gag reflex, the hugging Piper when all I want to do is howl in frustration that she made ANOTHER unnecessary mess.

It's not so spiritual, I don't think, but it's being a mom, being where I am without energy to attempt to change things. It's easier to trust when I'm this tired. I'm learning a lot about that, about just falling back because I *can't* anymore. It makes the days go a little easier, if not faster. I'm not really wanting to wait seven months to hold this kid, but I suspect it's going to take us that long to come up with a name! Just ask the new cat...

Wow, I've quite rambled my way through this post, and I didn't even include a picture. The camera makes me queasy too, btw. This really has to stop by July so I can shoot that next wedding.

I should go stir that chili so it doesn't stick to the pan.


Alethea Jordan said...

I like this's you. =)

Alison said...

a beautiful post about life.

emily said...

kelly, this monday afternoon post would make a perfect tuesday's unwrapped link :) fyi. I love your thoughts here, esp. the part about you and Pete leaving "the figuring out of life pretty much alone."

Izzy said...

I hear you on the kid's shows!! Jon's absolute favorite movies are the Pooh movies, but other than when I very much need him to be occupied for a bit, I stay away from a lot of other stuff. It's just so...pointless! And Jon is now copying everything he hears and sees *yikes*, so I want to be careful.
I'm glad food is sounding good again for you! It puts a whole 'nother perspective on life, when you can't look at, smell, think about, or eat, food. :-O
Love you!

Angela Fehr said...

Nuns don't have children. Isn't it funny, this idea that spirituality is found in solitude? While we moms are giving this job, the mundanity of service that is so frequently ugly, demeaning or repetitive? How easy it is to feel that my "important" purpose has been interrupted by another soiled pair of undies, or the supper hour sneaking up on me, or a pile of unwashed clothes and a minefield of abandoned toys, when what I am doing on a daily basis is footwashing.

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