Wednesday, July 29, 2009
About two weeks before we discovered Piper was a girl, I saw a photo of a friend's newborn daughter. Something in the photo touched off a desire that wiggled through my stern determination to have a son, but I chose not to acknowledge it, to put my baby girl idea off until our next child. Walking through April with spring all around knowing I was going to have a girl whom I could teach about the beauty around me was the most perfect feeling in the world.
Becoming pregnant with Button came as such a shock. There was no "Good Morning, Daddy," just a half-panicked, "Pete..." as I wandered dazed into the kitchen with the test that read "Pregnant" instead of the "Not Pregnant" I had expected. Less than a week after my discovery, I moved from my Lyme herxheimer into morning sickness, and until I saw my baby at about 12 weeks, it was just more sick I had to face. I slapped a gender onto that ultrasound pic, a safe "girl" guess that wouldn't involve new horizons, new clothing, and three bedrooms for our family.
A couple of months ago, however, another dear friend gave birth to a son, and seeing her pictures left me with the same "different" feeling I had with Piper. I could see myself mothering a son, found myself hoping quietly that this baby would be a boy. This was quite a change from my instant fearful "this must be a girl" reaction to my unexpected pregnancy. All of my dreams were about having a baby boy, twin boys, even an alien baby boy (oy, that was a bad one, but it was still a boy).
I hadn't told anyone about my "girl" feeling about Piper. I was too embarrassed to admit my first insistent guess might be wrong. But this time, I cautiously shared my growing desire with Pete, let my mom know that I had a feeling about it, shared with my sister what I was hoping. I couldn't think of Button as a "she." My prayers and womb chat were for "him" and "he" and "buddy" and "little guy."
So I smiled giddy through yesterday's scan as our little scamp with "boy parts" made the rounds of my uterus, dragging the ultrasound tech around with him. And I am somewhere between tears and laughter and thankful that God gave me my desire, that He had already begun to make this little boy before the desire to hold him began to build inside my heart.
We went shopping last night, and I brought home sleepers in blue and brown and cream and green, folding them and refolding them and sharing them with Piper, who is already learning her "awhhhh."
I can't say my heart is easy opening up to love this little one; I know too much to take the gift of him for granted. Trusting God to hold this desire of mine, this little one who is already not mine - this is hard for me. I know what life can do - I am yet uncertain what God will allow in mine.
It used to require suffering to throw me onto His love, but now, it is His goodness that keeps me in the shadow of His wings, that sends me to His heart with hands that don't want to open. He never said I wouldn't fear, but that He is "I Am," more than human, more than I can know or understand or explain. He Himself is the joy in my desire, the peace in my cautious acceptance of His good gifts.
I imagine I'll have to apologize to Button someday for the pink flowers on the announcement of my pregnancy. But I don't mind.
For you who weighed in with guesses, here is my voting tally (compiled from predictions here, on Facebook, and in person):
I guess those last few "boy" votes (including one from the gal at the hospital who registered us for our ultrasound) must have pushed it over the top, eh?
And now we're on to the naming game. As with Piper, we had the perfect name for the OTHER gender. Submissions and suggestions are welcome!