Monday, August 24, 2009

My understanding of God is too easily conceptualized, tacked on, understood, approved. I take Him for granted. I assume His thoughts. I live what I know; I am not always circumspect; I do not remember He is awesome God. Awful God. More than I am, indefinable, uncontrollable. I do not want to remember. I do not want to encounter Him.

I don't want to encounter Him when I'm cleaning, toddler-chasing, cooking, figuring out the dailiness, choosing my life. When I'm good and ready, I'll receive His Person, talk about relationship. Confess my fear of relationship with anyone and especially with all-powerful Him. Tell Him straight I can't survive my own stark vulnerability.

If I encounter Him and He is all I know Him to be, I think my heart will explode. My soul will be seared. I will be changed. I already have been. My words might live - no longer dropping habitually (or even intentionally) into speech and writing, attempting deep authenticity over a shallow approach to relationship with Him, feeling the hypocrisy of unanswered questions, unrefined faith.

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, but I am told not to be afraid with any terror; I am terrified of Him. Afraid of Love itself. His ways are not my ways, and I don't want to be so helpless, so humble.

How do I know He is True? It is more than a choice to believe. It is Him, His Holy Spirit, nearer than I realize in my dailiness, living in me with His unending groaning for union with the One who has redeemed me through His Son, set as a seal upon my heart. Terrible, wonderful seal that holds me here, comforts my terror, teaches me of Truth Himself.

I am such a child. I have a short attention span. I have not yet learned to worship an eternal Lover; I seek only an affectionate Father who gives plenty of room to go and to grow in what time I think I need.
"Are you not thirsty?" said the Lion.
"I am dying of thirst," said Jill.
"Then drink," said the Lion....
"Will you promise not to--do anything to me, if I do come?" said Jill.
"I make no promise," said the Lion...."I have swallowed up girls and boys, women and men, kings and emperors, cities and realms," said the Lion....
"I daren't come and drink," said Jill.
"Then you will die of thirst," said the Lion.
"Oh dear!," said Jill, coming another step nearer. "I suppose I must go and look for another stream then."
"There is no other stream," said the Lion.

~The Silver Chair
I'm dying of thirst, afraid to drink, and I know. There is no other Stream. If I drink deeply, I will encounter the Lion.
To that soul which has tasted of Christ, the jaunty laugh, the tempting music of mingled voices, the haunting appeal of smiling eyes — all these lack flavor. And I would drink deeply of Him. Fill me, O Spirit of Christ, with all the fullness of God.

- Jim Elliot

(image from sxc)


Laure said...

in your truth-telling, you bring the cup that you are to your own lips.

drink, Kelly ...

i thank God for the mercy He has given you to know yourself in this moment in time.

Monica Sharman said...

You encourage me to drink, too, come what may. I come recklessly to the only Stream. The danger there is also my refuge.
I drink!

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