Nothing Hidden - The Breaking

Monday, September 28, 2009

Part III of my authentic relationship series.

Part I - The Fact Is, I am Eve Too.
Part II - Owning Truth - From Romantic to Real


Two days before our wedding, I realized the path I was on. Perhaps I'd have realized it sooner if things had been easier, if we had talked more, if we hadn't had nine months of unbelievable, weight-shedding stress. But it was what it was, and I found myself totally unready to be a wife.

His call was God-timed. I don't remember what Pete said when I asked if we could simply be friends on our wedding day, but it was enough to reassure me that I could marry him - should marry him. He doesn't remember either. He said later he didn't think he understood what I was asking.

Our self-written wedding vows included a phrase that read:

I will be humble before you and our Lord, confessing my sins and my failures and trusting in His mercy and your love.

So it was that two weeks after our wedding, reeling with confusion, unable to pretend at delirious happiness, I confessed my still-broken heart in full to my new husband. I kept my vow of truth to him, broke his heart, and we entered an emotional maelstrom that changed all our ideas of how our life was to be.

If I’d known how hard it would be for us, I would never have married Pete, never would have put him through the pain, the questions, the uncertainty. He had wanted to hold my heart for himself; now he believed I could never love him the way I had loved before.

I began to pray that he could be my first love, wishing away that first love God had used to make me His, trying to erase my broken heart.

But God didn’t unwrite my story. He didn’t change my reality, pick a new solar system where I could live. Instead, He took my shadow-sketched expectations of marriage and began to add color, creating what I now see as a masterpiece, a vivid image of authentic relationship I could not have imagined then.


Related from Selah: God help us to find our confession...

(Image © Informal Moments Photography)


Cassandra Frear said...

This is the best writing I have seen you do. It's accessible and poignant. I feel here that I am hearing your authentic, unique voice with a clarity that I have not experienced before. There are few frills. Just the bare beauty of an honest life. The reader is drawn into and through the story. I am looking forward to reading the rest of it.

Glynn said...

The pain that throbs through this is clear, making it almost painful to read, though not what it was to experience.

I would like to meet Pete.

emily said...

Well. This one knocked me to the ground. Thank you for writing it. I look forward to more. (and more. and more.)

(and don't you love how I'm reading your writing when I should be working on my own :)?)

Kelly Langner Sauer said...

Cassandra - I read your comment and I am re-reading what I have written here. So much of what I write has been ducking around the detailing of this story that is such a part of who I am. It is relieving to write.

Glynn - Yes, you should meet Pete. He is such an incredible man.

emily - I love that you're reading my writing, and I hope you do get to work on your own so I can read more (and more and more) of yours! ;-)

Monica Sharman said...

Dear one...

Laura said...

I went back and read the first part, and the second (again), and find myself taken by this vulnerability. And the only reason I can find is that I am Eve too...I have stood beneath this tree...have eaten the fruit.

One truth I have learned about relationship over the years: people are complicated. We are not that black and white, perfectly scripted, fit in a box kind of thing.

And that, is true beauty.

This growing you have done--this intimacy you have stepped into--this path could not have been walked by anyone save you.

And thank you, BTW, for the article link you gave me. It helped. Still flailing about a bit, but standing still more now.

Thank you, Kelly, for sharing your heart. Restless as it is :)

||| laura frantz ||| said...

Whoa, girl. Keep it coming. We're here for you.

Maureen said...

As Twittered, love your writing: honest, clear, from the heart that stops the heart, authentic. Lovely phrasing and put-on-the-brake words like "God-timed" and "shadow-sketched expectations of marriage". Re those expectations, please write about those.

Have been in same place.

Maureen said...

Meant to leave you with this quote from today's Abbey of the Arts. Christine is quoting her spiritual director.

"Everything we do is a form of self-narration."

deb said...

Part of me wants to tell you that you are too hard on yourself... that it takes years to learn what we really want or need or cherish.
Part of me knows that terrifying feeling of getting what we wished for and the lying in the dark fear of it.

Jessica said...

I agree with Cassandra -- this is so refreshingly honest. (Not that the rest of your writing has not been honest, but this is so much more intimate.) I applaud your courage in sharing this.

We have been married for not quite as long as you, but I can certainly sympathize with the feeling of "this is not the 'happily ever after' I expected." Perhaps women in particular have trouble with this aspect -- we have our romantic dreams that are never going to be quite what we imagine. And yet God can blow us away with how awesome the things are that we did *not* expect, that are even deeper and richer than we could have imagined.

I look forward to reading more of this series.

Danielle said...

Thanks for sharing, Kelly. This is definitely part of your story I didn't know (not that there aren't lots of parts to your story I don't know, but you get what I mean). Your husband sounds like an awesome guy!

Angela Fehr said...

What Cassandra said. Fitting that she should be first to comment.
I think marriage is always heartbreaking if we are honest. I am broken right now over my own failure to love my husband and what that says about my own stingy heart.

Anonymous said...

yep, i can relate with this.

my expectations of what i think about Love and marriage, and what it really is...or can be.

everything, it seems to me, is surely wonderful and heartbreaking at the same time.

T. J. Knowlton said...

I am so grateful that God did not meet my expectations of marriage. Thank you for sharing this. My husband and I are amazed at what marriage has become, and how small our understanding was on our wedding day.

Beautifully written.

Laure said...

even today ...

the mountains continue to speak of you ...

Carrie said...

wow, thanks for being so open with us. I'm so glad things are working out for you & Pete!

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