Monday, September 28, 2009
Part III of my authentic relationship series.
Part I - The Fact Is, I am Eve Too.
Part II - Owning Truth - From Romantic to Real
Two days before our wedding, I realized the path I was on. Perhaps I'd have realized it sooner if things had been easier, if we had talked more, if we hadn't had nine months of unbelievable, weight-shedding stress. But it was what it was, and I found myself totally unready to be a wife.
His call was God-timed. I don't remember what Pete said when I asked if we could simply be friends on our wedding day, but it was enough to reassure me that I could marry him - should marry him. He doesn't remember either. He said later he didn't think he understood what I was asking.
Our self-written wedding vows included a phrase that read:
I will be humble before you and our Lord, confessing my sins and my failures and trusting in His mercy and your love.
So it was that two weeks after our wedding, reeling with confusion, unable to pretend at delirious happiness, I confessed my still-broken heart in full to my new husband. I kept my vow of truth to him, broke his heart, and we entered an emotional maelstrom that changed all our ideas of how our life was to be.
If I’d known how hard it would be for us, I would never have married Pete, never would have put him through the pain, the questions, the uncertainty. He had wanted to hold my heart for himself; now he believed I could never love him the way I had loved before.
I began to pray that he could be my first love, wishing away that first love God had used to make me His, trying to erase my broken heart.
But God didn’t unwrite my story. He didn’t change my reality, pick a new solar system where I could live. Instead, He took my shadow-sketched expectations of marriage and began to add color, creating what I now see as a masterpiece, a vivid image of authentic relationship I could not have imagined then.
Related from Selah: God help us to find our confession...
(Image © Informal Moments Photography)