I'm staring at my screen, unfamiliar with my own territory here, slowing from my gettin' 'er done mode to an easier pace where words have time to form, if there is any sensation of feeling begging definition.
But there isn't really any feeling tonight, just vague satisfaction mingled with stark discouragement, the letdown after the adrenalin, the settled "yes, this is where I'm supposed to be" crossing paths with the "where is this, exactly?" that leaves me feeling a bit lonely, a little starved, despite accomplished goals.
I've poured it all out. I'm empty now. Frustration, fears, inadequacies faced and fought and quashed. I am not conquered, destroyed by my own expectations. Not yet anyway.
This silence is different from the full quiet that peace offers. It is a void, really, an end of here-dwelling seeking fulfillment from Him-dwelling now, asking for refreshed treasure in this empty vessel that is okay with being clay today, an unusual development for my self-justifying persona.
I've been working non-stop since Saturday afternoon. Three weddings and a website finished, it is time for a Sabbath. I know what it's for now, more than the doing-nothing. It is for filling up again.
Oh, and nAncY posted my poem on Twitter.
perhaps that is why
we are always
missing Him...
I breathe out long and quiet now, waiting again.
(Image © Informal Moments Photography)
4 comments:
Kelly,
I have nominated you for a grassroots award. You can stop by either of my blogs to accept it. I hope you will.
- Cassandra
oh the slowing
the transition
may it be blessed
Love your poem that nAncY posted.
Reading your post, I thought of these lines from John O'Donohue's blessing, "For Equilibrium":
. . .as water takes whatever shape it is in,
So free may you be about what you become.
. . .May your prayer of listening deepen enough
To hear in the depths the laughter of God.
May blessings be yours as you find your way.
That post-adrenaline letdown...
Breathe, beloved.
Rest.
Praying here,
Monica
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