Friday, October 16, 2009

I've been blocked for content lately.

Not that the birds aren't still singing, the breezes blowing, the sun rising and setting, the clouds dropping rain and humid all over the place - bringing out the mosquitoes...

I could blame it on the tired that has me sleeping dead through the night from the time I hit the pillow, drowsing through the morning until my three-or-so-hour stint on the couch to relieve the sitting-up pressure from my growing baby belly. I could blame it on the toddler who is pushing all of her boundaries and asking for new ones as she goes, requiring more of my imaginative power. I could even blame it on the photography processing looming over me for a finish this month.

But I'm not sure that is the problem. I'm not sure there is a problem.
Something is happening, far beneath the surface of my daily life and worn-out responsibilities, something that began years ago with a niggling longing and a prayer that I should desire God more than anything or anyone else. I can't describe it, but I am aware, aware that He is drawing nearer, drawing me nearer - and if I turn and look at Him, stop and listen, I will find more than a lesson, more than a growth opportunity, more than the comfortable, controllable, explainable.

It almost frightens me; I don't run toward it eagerly. I take it measured, as a gift I don't know how to open, don't quite know how to receive, love that comes after a broken heart, so strong and so patient. I acknowledge it, and it travels deep into heart-quiet as I ponder what I know of it - what I know of Him.

Tears come easily, frustration easier; I am tenderized without my consent between toddler interruptions and disappointed expectations and my shallow daily failure.

How do I write this? So many others have written it better. How do I live this? It is yet undefined, and my humanity demands a to-do list for self-improvement. My grammatical conscience demands a defined "it."

"What is stopping you?" a friend asks, encouraging me to embrace the new, as I encourage others. "Nothing," I want to say, "It is unfolding here inside me, filling me up, taking me over, transforming me, renewing me."

It is a me I do not know, broken, redeemed, freed, and broken again for love of Another who invites my soul up into Himself, into Love that isn't my love, love I couldn't choose in the small strength I own, love I couldn't accept for my timid.

I wonder if I am too isolated, if I should surround myself with people for more insight, a more constant flow of ideas; I sense His quiet "be still" in a wilderness I thought was finished. Here I stand on the far bank of the Jordan, waiting the call to cross into Canaan, waiting the will to go, waiting for the parting of the waters I cannot pass on my own.

I think there are not often words for the circumstances of the spirit, not definitions for the steps we take in the journey our hearts travel toward God, with God.

So I stand still to see the salvation of the Lord.

Because there is really nothing else I can do until He bids me step into the river with Him to walk through - or to walk on water.

(Image "paint me a picture of this cloudy day" © Informal Moments Photography)


Angela said...

You've put into words so eloquently what I've been feeling inside.

"Love that comes after a broken heart". Sometimes I sense God's love for me so strong that it scares me and I don't know what to do with it. I have no frame of reference. But I want it.

Thank you for sharing this.

Jennifer @ Getting Down With Jesus said...

My oh my, girl. For being "blocked for content" you certainly offered up a lot of wonderful content here.

Much unfolds inside you. So glad you share a bit of it with us.

You bless ...

Anonymous said...

it is interesting when we carry around a new life within us that is growing and changing and so much a part of us, almost taking over our life as it grows. so much like the baby that you are carring.

Billy Coffey said...

I've read this post three times and I've sat here for five minutes trying to figure out how to say what I need to say. All I can come up with is one very long, very deep, very satisfied sigh.

That was absolutely amazing.

Matt @ The Church of No People said...

Hey Kelly, glad I found your blog, even if you feel you're on an off day. Your words are very eloquent. Looks like we've got a mutual acquaintance. I just interviewed Billy Coffey on my blog. Small world, huh?

Woman Child said...

I love your words...
I can relate :)

I pray you find peace and in knowing God will not stop working His will out on His children...until they are so much like Him :)


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