This asks for more than a "be still," for more than a "someday" dream. Beginning begs me to leave old demons behind where they belong, face new ones, older ones that make me do what I do - or that hold me back. It demands a step beyond inert - just one, but if I stop, I know I'll have to begin again, take another.
It means reaching out with what is real of me for what is real in others who may reject me. It means starting over, learning again about a world to live in, not just observe. Old friendships fading as they always do, new relationship birthed and worked and enjoyed.
Beginning asks for my nothing and my mess and my heart without wings and says, "fly, you know you want to." And I do want to -
So I said, “Oh, that I had wings like a dove!I want to fly away, escape, shut my ears to my windy, stormy two-year-old, find a quiet place - even the wilderness - to just get some rest. Doing one. more. thing. seems too much; I almost resent the baby within I want so much, because I am never really alone.
I would fly away and be at rest.
Indeed, I would wander far off,
And remain in the wilderness.
I would hasten my escape
From the windy storm and tempest.”
- Ps. 55:6-8
To begin - it means more than merely acknowledging a God I have once almost-rejected. It means trusting Him to raise my eyes from the ground to look into eyes without begging for relief, unafraid of condemnation, unashamed that I have met and know God-who-is-Real.
Don't I want to begin? Why don't I?
The questions pierce, the echoes of sister-conversation draw tears and memory unbidden; I wonder if I hold my breath and close my eyes - might it all go away, that sinking sense of failure, that I am not what I meant to be, not what He means me to be, not today as I had hoped.
Maybe I have begun already? In places unseen, in quiet conversation with my husband, in moments of happy and deep-set joy in what God has given me that I could not have asked? Maybe I have begun in toddler-hugs and relationship-reaching, in active waiting for God-timing I don't control?
He knows me, doesn't He? - The aching cry in my soul begging Him not to be too much for me, ask too much of me now when I don't know me or how to begin conversation with Him. I run out of words and putter at His feet, afraid to look up into His eyes too.
Why do you say, O Jacob,Oh yes, I know. I've always known. I believe. It feels as if I always have.
And speak, O Israel:
“ My way is hidden from the LORD,
And my just claim is passed over by my God”?
Have you not known?
Have you not heard?
The everlasting God, the LORD,
The Creator of the ends of the earth,
Neither faints nor is weary.
His understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the weak,
And to those who have no might He increases strength.
Even the youths shall faint and be weary,
And the young men shall utterly fall,
But those who wait on the LORD
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint.
- Is. 40:27-31
Lord, please... help my unbelief.
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