I've been watching color surface slowly from the tired, graying summer greens around our house. The dogwood tree across the street is loaded with red berries that tint even the remaining green of its leaves into red.
I'm feeling the change of the seasons, remembering things I enjoyed about this last year, looking forward to replaying a few new traditions - well, "traditions" made with one good memory of doing this or that at a certain temperature, in a certain mood.
I can't wait to hold Button, to touch his face and hands with my fingers, cuddle him close, drink in his baby scent. But I am aware that his coming will bring even more change - and not all of it will be good change. More uncertainty for Piper when she needs affection. More financial strain. The possibility of another year or two of postpartum depression.
It was hard to read this today. I am still realizing that things really weren't okay after Pip was born. I was never suicidal, but the thoughts of leaving, the disconnection, the inability to cry...
I've spent a lot of time time trying to explain away what happened, trying to make sense of what God must have been doing, drawing conclusions that aren't really conclusions. I know they aren't; because I can't welcome the possibility of living through that again, putting my husband through that again, putting my children through that...
Change like this requires a good God. I don't mean a God who operates on my idea of what is good, but a God who is Himself good even if hell breaks loose. A God who is not afraid of change as I am, who is the same yesterday and forever, a Rock and a Hiding Place and a Stay for my soul.
During my freshman year, I sang a song in what seemed like a hundred churches with my college chorale: Almighty, Unchangeable God.
Who spread out the clouds before Him?The words still pile the tears in my throat as they did when I sang the song before, moving my heart-eyes past my limited perspective to a Job-vision of unchangeable I Am.
Who fashioned the earth with His hands?
Who created the starry host,
And formed the earth at His command?
Who scatters lightning before Him,
Commands the rain and snow to fall?
Who makes the nations tremble?
Who is Lord over all?
He is like the light at sunrise,
Like the brightness after the rain.
Robed in splendor,
He’s seated on His heavenly throne above.
His glory fills the heavens;
He is exalted over all.
Yet He loves me
With an everlasting love.
He is Almighty, Unchangeable God,
King of kings,
Lord of lords,
robed in majesty.
He rules and reigns,
For all eternity,
Almighty, Unchangeable God.
- Cindy Berry ©1996 by GlorySound (a div. of Shawnee Press)
"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for You are with me."
- Ps. 23:4
(Image © Informal Moments Photography)