"Happy - Sad"

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Piper has a new favorite game to play with Daddy.

She'll give him an emotion to portray - "happy" or "sad" - and he hams it up until she dies laughing. The other night, I caught these between strong baby-contractions that blotted out the rest of the evening.

The "happy" in which I took these photos was exciting. We thought we were having a baby. I thought I would finally get to touch his face. The midwife thought I would get to hold him. The contractions were strong, 4-5 minutes apart, lasting 1-2 minutes. We were ready to call the midwife to come... and then everything stopped.

Yesterday's "sad" wasn't that comical.

I've been making an effort at my blog and in our home to keep things as normal as possible, trying to notice the life we are living in between, trying to hold these last few days, hours - minutes - close.

I've also chosen to be open with many of the ups and downs I'm experiencing at the end of this pregnancy. I'm sure this has left many of my friends and readers feeling as though they are on the roller coaster with us, but I have wanted to write through this, to be open with those who are praying, to have this here for myself so I remember.

I don't want to remember yesterday. Not the tears, the disappointment, the frustration, the questions, the deep, deep depression. Yesterday I hit my limit on what I could share. For the first time during this pregnancy, I was ready to slam the doors shut, beg for some privacy, tell everyone to just go away with their good wishes and their hope for pictures and good news that I. didn't. have.

For all the words that spilled out here yesterday, I felt an eerie stillness in my soul as the contractions kept coming, ten minutes apart, just as they had the day before.

Internally, I was writhing with new pain unlike the pain I'd experienced with Piper's birth. The "I can't take any more of this" that didn't hit until transition with Piper pounded me, reverberating with God's promise to Eve that she should "have pain in childbirth..."

I kept wanting to ask Him what I was doing wrong. As if I was back at that tree thinking God was holding out on me - maybe if I just knew what He knew, I could get to Him faster so I could...

And there I was, exposed.

My "I delivered one child" pride, my demand for His presence in my own timing, my willful control of my own destiny - and that of my child.

A child whose story God was writing yesterday on my heart, preparing me to receive him, preparing me to return him as willingly to the heart of his Father as I learned to do with Piper when I was afraid she wasn't breathing, when I have wanted to hold her and change her to be what she is not.

God may exist as God outside of my circumstances, but He uses them for His own purposes in my heart.

It's an up/down, happy/sad walk, this being human and waiting for His timing outside of time.

I am not like Mary. "May it be to me as You have said."

I wouldn't have gotten picked for her job.

But He did choose me anyway, to let me know Him, to be the mother of these two children, to walk this path as He brings forth fruit in me that is His for the harvest.

Piper is sleeping on my lap as I write this morning, bundled up in a blanket, listening to my heartbeat. She wouldn't be here if Button had come already.

It's one more gift, one more chance to let my first baby know how much I love her.


Just a Note:

I promise, I will post updates as they come, and pictures as soon as we have them. Please don't pressure me for more than I have to share. I have been so encouraged by so many of you, and I want to keep writing and sharing this journey here, but I'm feeling really vulnerable right now, and it's taking a lot for me to not shut everyone out.

This introvert would not make a very good celebrity, I think.


My friend Emily at Chatting at the Sky hosts a weekly "noticing" party - giving us a chance to unwrap and share the little gifts (and the big ones!) God gives to us in the midst of our dailiness.

Do you have a gift to unwrap today? Stop on by and link up with Emily, and share in the (mostly) paperless unwrapping!

(Image © Informal Moments Photography)


S. Etole said...

He is with you ... always. Be blessed and comforted as you lean into Him.

Undeserving said...

I. Can. SO. Relate.

I am so impressed with your efforts to be positive. Keep your chin up... and just live in the moment. Whenever I allowed my mind to wander, I made it worse. Gosh, we knew natural childbirth was a mental exercise as well as physical... but this certainly grows the mind in a whole different way!

Try a good cry and a relaxing bubble bath. :-) Jessica and I seemed to have good luck with that. And even if it doesn't work - hey, it's a BUBBLE BATH! Who wouldn't love that. :-)

Love you!

Feather said...

i love a girl who is comfortable enough with herself to be honest. honest about who she is, what she believes, where she is in her journey of life. you are a brave girl.

i love the ending of this post. i love the recognition of the space your child occupied this morning wouldn't have been available had you been in control of your life. god is in control. he's driving the bus. and that can be very difficult for us to understand. amen to your recognition of the blessing you recieved this morning.

Beth said...

As a wanderer who stumbled across your blog, I'm not entirely sure what you're going through, but I can tell you this- I will be praying for you. May you find refreshment and enough strength to get through each day.

Heather of the EO said...

I appreciate your honesty and your perspective so much.

Peace to you...

Susan said...

Praying for you Kelly, and the strength you need, mentally and physically, to get through these last days. Reading this post brought back memories of alot of the feelings I had before Makenna was born. I really wanted to crawl in a hole and hide til she was born and I didn't want to talk with anyone about it... I was so confused, wondering if my body was messed up because of things starting and stopping and just thinking she'd never come. Anyways, praying for you and baby!

Corinne said...

Oh Kelly... I''m sending up prayers for you. I remember the last few days when I was pregnant with Paige, and felt disappointed every night because I felt my body was ready but she was not coming. The contractions were, but she was not. It's so tough to sit back and know that He knows what He's doing.
Be well.

Anonymous said...

I think maybe that when it's the hardest to be vulnerable is when it's the most necessary. Which, having said that, makes me realize that I really need to have a conversation I've been putting off. :(

Carrie said...

Kelly, I feel the EXACT SAME WAY. I didn't update my FB status this morning b/c we were in a hurry to get to MOPS, and when I got home, I had all kinds of messages - 'you didn't update! Are you having the baby?' and I'm like, "NO! Stop reminding me!" :) Sunday was a hard day for me - EVERY person was like, "YOU'RE STILL HERE???"... :) Praying that you (and I) go soon!!! :)

Anonymous said...

Beautiful is the only word I could think of after reading your post! I love the pictures and reading your heart. I am praying for you!

imoomie said...

It is absolutely ok to withdrawal. There is not a woman who has given birth that wouldn't completely understand.

I would not be who I am today had I not walked thru those days of laboring and waiting for my children to be born. I learned things that I would not have learned any other way.

God bless you and keep you...

Post a Comment

Talk to me, if you like.