God Unchanging

Monday, January 4, 2010

January fourth.

Four days into the new year.

I started a post this morning. Got interrupted by my two. Hated the post when I came back to read it.

It was just another post about the new year and what I want to do in it. Vastly unoriginal at this point, and not very much of me in it to make it more original.

I'm setting too many rules for myself again.

Right now, I don't need rules.

I need grace.

The kind of grace that means I don't have to measure up to the person I'm trying to be right now, the person I feel I have to be. The kind of grace that reminds me that even though it's a new year, I am still the same person, and God is still the same Person - yesterday, today, forever.

I cleaned up our bedroom this morning, with Bredon on the bed, setting up a holler. Piper, not to be outdone, came up with ten different issues that Mommy had to fix, now. With both kids screaming at me, I found myself staring at the ceiling as the "inadequate" rushed over me in waves that brought sudden tears.

Inadequate to mother two. I made repeated vows to stop having kids now. But oh, Bredon is so precious, so tiny. How can I close my heart to it again?

Inadequate to give my heart to a photography project that has come my way this year. I can never be so spiritual as I need to be to be the person God really wants for this job. What was I thinking to accept?

Inadequate to be His, to name His name, to speak of Him at all. I almost vow to give Him up; the words catch in my throat. Is He not enough for this too?

I'm out of control. Everything I know is in transition, overhauled in this new life we have now. The space I've gained for myself is no longer there to depend on. My schedule is shot. Yearly goals are impossible to make in moments driven by the immediate.

I'm still the person I was; I am not so afraid of losing that as I was - but I must be changed through this. It is the nature of growth, of God-work.

My responsibilities are simple now: eat, nourish, clean as I can, love my babies - keep my head above water. It is not much. It is not grand. I am not impassioned in doing these things.

I remember how used to spend time, and tears come again, unbidden, because I miss being 16 years old with nothing more to do than read one book after another after another. Life was so dream-full then.

And now I am living my dreams deferred, and they are not what I thought they would be; with these gifts, there is a reminder of God, a need to acknowledge Him. I am no longer able to use the gifts without gratitude, to live my own dreams without His strength.

The night before I went into labor with Bredon, He spoke reassurance; that He would be God on this side of the gift as He was before I knew who He was. I could count on that, rest in His unchanging heart, His Godness that I still don't comprehend. That I still don't need to comprehend for His grace to overshadow me, for His Son to be my righteousness, my adequate, my exceeding abundant above.

And I know where my heart will be this year, learning deep about this Son of Man, God-with-us who revealed the Father, who became sin for me, who was and is and always will be Alpha Omega, my enough.


Monica Sharman said...

Ah. You, too? Sometimes I feel inadequate even in those simple responsibilities.

"Not that we are adequate in ourselves..."

Press on, dear friend! :)

Becky said...

Praying for grace as you walk...and embrace and clean, and feed and love your little ones and your Husband. May His joy fill your every moment, and a smile be always on your face!


Heidi said...

Ah, but I think the Kingdom message s that everything is upside down from what we think it should be...to be a leader you must be a servant...God exalts the humble...the "Grand" is found in the "ordinary."

There is much glory in the feeding, cleaning, loving, that you are doing. Don't let anyone (not even yourself) convince you otherwise.

Jessica said...

Oh, there are so many days when I am there! But He is gradually teaching me to be content with my life as it is -- not as I think it should be, not as I sometimes wish it could be again. It is a slow process, but I think He is finally beginning to get through to me... to teach me again to be satisfied in *Him*.

Thanks for sharing. You are not alone.

Heidi said...

PS I looooooove the new blog design! Then again, I always say that...

Corinne said...

Oh how we need His grace now more than ever. Motherhood will do that to us. Will make us almost give up, but the fact that He is the same day in and day out, reminds me that I am the same person I was years ago. And that brings me down, and opens my eyes, and it all helps me breathe.

Thinking of you, and your two little ones. The days are not easy, but so rewarding.

Anne Lang Bundy said...

Kelly, the Lord asks greatness of us. And this is how He defines it: to be a simple and humble servant. It's simply a matter of one task at a time, done with joy and humility. He expects no more of you than you expect of Piper and Bredon—that you love and grow and stretch and accept His strength.

All those goals for the year? Are they yours or His? You may or may not be adequate for your goals. All your adequacy is in Him for His goals.

You'll do fine. : ) I'm certain of it. :D

Jo@Mylestones said...

"Right now I don't need rules. I need grace."
(I also love the new look here. It fits just perfectly with your writing and photography.)

nAncY said...

good post

Carrie said...

Oh, Kelly, you ALWAYS say exactly how I'm feeling, but so much nicer than I'm able to say it. :) I know exactly the feeling of the two little ones screaming at you...yikes - it is super scary & overwhelming...but it gets just a tiny bit easier each day - and the point is, Yeah, God is there. And grace is a good thing. :) Praying for you!!!

Also - do you do any babywearing??? I have been wearing Natalie in a Moby wrap in the mornings, for a couple of hours, so I can make breakfast for Zachary & I & get some housework done, and it has helped SO much.

Mary said...

I join you in the "inadequate" club. But I know that ALL things are possible with God. So with one foot in front of the other...we continue the journey, no matter how imperfect.

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