I Am Not Pregnant

Thursday, February 25, 2010

An abrupt statement, I know.

A relieved statement.

A definite answer after a week and a half of days that were weeks long for the lack of one.

I drove four hours yesterday for the answer after a local OB/GYN refused to see me because I had done a home birth with Bredon.

I know I promised part IV of my God-love story today. I know I may not have time to write it tomorrow before the cable provider comes and moves our service to the new house.

Which does not yet have a working kitchen sink.

We are hardly packed.

We have no one coming to help.

My husband is working early and late at the office.

I have three loads of laundry begging a folding. I have another two loads to run.

I have cried often lately.

I am overwhelmed. I am barely moving today.

Pete is sick, too. I think he may have walking pneumonia. Not that he'll go to a doctor. Not that he has time.

There is no way out but through, like labor, like life. I can't turn off the things that come at me, no matter how hard I try. And I can't run away, as much as I want to.

I don't think I could have guessed that my life would ever look like this. When I left home, I could run my Mom's house for her, manage the eight of us kids, cook meals, do laundry, take care of her goats, keep the house clean. I used to do it. Why can't I do it now? I write and take pictures because I have energy for little else. Why does it take a force of will that is greater than I am to get me up out of my chair?

The kids are fed. Their diapers are changed. They are clothed.

That is all I can manage. You can imagine what my husband is doing. Pray for him, please.

I don't think I am writing for sympathy, so please don't offer. I'm so befuddled; I'm just trying to figure out what I'm doing today, and this is the first quiet moment I've had since 5:30 this morning when the baby woke.

Someone is praying "wherewithal" for me today. She pressed God for a word to pray for me. Strength, healing, and wherewithal.

Does that mean that He thinks I can do this with Him?

Paul said that the secret of his contentment in any circumstance was that he could do all things through Christ who strengthened him.

When the rubber of my faith meets the road, how much do I truly believe God will come through for me, for His own glory? Especially when we are told to glory in our weakness? What does His coming through even look like?

I am a physical person. My needs are intensely physical. It is part of being dust.

I am worrying about tomorrow when God is speaking of me today to someone else. What is He seeing to for tomorrow that I don't know? I want to know. About twice per hour these last few days, I conclude that I cannot go on, I cannot keep living like this. Grace only goes so far, I think to myself. I have to get up and DO something.

I don't laugh much right now. Bredon does. He giggles already. He invites me into his happy. And Piper... I can't knock her fun out of the park just because I don't have energy to clean up after her. But I cried on the floor after taking those pictures. Because I just stared and stared for an hour before I could figure out what to do to clean it up.

I used to keep up; why not now?

I know God loves me; I know His love doesn't mean that my life will be perfect. Or easy. But it can be honest.

As I was crying over Piper's powder, washing her in the tub, bathing Bredon while I was at it, I thought of my own mess. The mess that is my life right now.

Messes get cleaned up.

But sometimes, there are more immediate needs.

Needs like deep trust-growing. The sacrifices of God - bruised reeds and broken hearts. Wherewithal - "That with which to do something; means or supplies for the purpose or need."

I think the wherewithal is not for the physical today. I need it for my heart. To hold on. To thank God. To be satisfied that He is enough; to believe and rejoice that He is my reward.

I wish that I were the sort of person who would draw near to God without having my own strength stretched so. But He has given me much; I am rich in know-how. It is hard for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Being poor-in-spirit; that is something I am learning. The poor in spirit get the whole thing.

Paradoxical, this faith is. Choosing impoverishment to gain such Treasure as cannot be imagined. Dying to live; believing without seeing.

God becoming man.

It is not the meeting of my physical needs that settles my heart.

I am not pregnant.

Unnecessary as the weight was, it is gone for now. It is not much. But it is something. Something I feared. Something God did not allow.

He could have. And He could have been strong for me in it. But I am so, so glad He didn't. I hope it is okay to admit that.

...

I will share the unfinished Part IV of my love story next Thursday. Sorry for the wait. It's an ongoing thing. I expect you get that.





(Image © Informal Moments Photography)

20 comments:

Joy said...

Nothing to say, but

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Wish I could do more. I'd pack your boxes- I just finished packing my own. All I can do is pray.

(And can I punch the OB? Seriously. Not. Cool.)

May you be surrounded, wrapped up, sustained in His strength, may He draw near. May He hold you and your sweet family.

Lyla Lindquist said...

Yes, I think it means that. That He thinks you can do this with Him.

He's had some crazy thoughts before. They seem to work out in the end.

Wherewithal? It's Him. He is that. I'm more convinced now than I was before.

Lyla Lindquist said...

(And promise you have no goats to care for.)

Suz said...

My heart goes out to you. I could feel your pain. It's hard to understand why God allows pain and depression and all into our lives but I guess we learn something from it.

Hang in there. It will get better. Pray a lot and try to get some rest.

Now, say "Yes, mother!"

Cassandra Frear said...

I've been here. And I lived -- I lived to tell about it.

He is enough.

There are some things in the Kingdom of God, some kinds of truths, that only come through trials. I pray you know Him in it as you have never known Him before.

"For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." (Heb 4:15-16)

Corinne said...

It is more than ok to say that - it's GOOD to say it.
When I read that post (the pictures) at first I laughed and then I thought I would have ended up in tears - so I'm also glad to hear that you did the same. Your comment on my last post said it all. Sometimes I feel we are leading parallel lives. Hang in there!

togetherforgood said...

May He be your strength, and your Light, and your Hope. May you be in Him.

Undeserving said...

::Sigh:: I'm walking this one out with you in many ways. But as my accomplishments in the day dwindle away one at a time, I'm comforted by the words of my mother and grandmothers, who remind me that time spent cuddling and giggling with my two little ones are all that matters.

So, quiet down cobwebs, dust... go to sleep. I'm rocking my babies and babies don't keep. Oddly enough, cobwebs not only keep well, but they grow just fine on their own, too. Not the case with our little ones.

Chin up, friend. I'll be praying grace, strength, and joy for you today.

Laura Maynard said...

Hey Kel, I'm sure my life isn't nearly as crammed, but this post hit home and I had to just say: I'm praying, love ya

Kathleen said...

Dang it all. Where do you live? I need a road trip and have some extra wherewithal.

sarah said...

((hugs))

Praying for you.

Anna M Blanch said...

You will only get done in a day what he has for you to do...give yourself a break and be at peace with his promises. With him in you all things are possible. It just might not be in our time or in the way we'd like

Praying wherewithal for you too!

Gina said...

I think this IS Part IV of your love story and V is the one still to come!

Monica Sharman said...

I made this statement recently. I surprised myself when, instead of the expected relief, I felt disappointment. But that process itself was a kind of transition.
And I pray for you often, Kelly. Praying for this move, and the new roads that this transition means for you, in God's perfect plans.

Anne said...

you were denied by an OB because you had a previous home birth?? was that their only reason? i guess home-birthers are tainted now, infectious even. sheesh.

Anonymous said...

"God never promised us that our present circumstances will always make sense. Sometimes we'll have to wait until the present becomes the past before what we are going through becomes remotely understandable."
- Discipline of Suffering

I, like many, could have written this post. Many days like this. Even now. Then something happened last week. I fell to my knees, crying my heart out to the God who is able. I said outloud I couldn't do it. For a long time, I just sat there, on unvacuumed floors, surronded by clutter, crying out for the practical strength I needed to simply survive. I just confessed from the heart of my soul. I went from my bedroom, to the laundry room, to my children's room, living room, kitchen...every single room with a different cry. a different prayer. prayers i didn't even know i had. i expected nothing. i just couldn't go on anymore. i had my breaking point. i had enough.

but through it god reminded me of many things...mostly while i laid on the cold, dingy linoleum floor of my laundry room. as I cried uncontrollable sobs with fists raised to the heavens, he said i am clothed in his righteousness, he washes my sin, he is ridding me of all things are dirty and purifying me, renewing me daily...so many truths i forgot...he brought me to Ezekial 16 of how he chose Irsael, clothed her and made her far beautiful than we could imagine...and He does that for me, despite my mangled hair and unshowered days...he does that for you.

god hears your crys. his silence doesn't mean his absence. i am keeping you so very close to my heart in prayer.

Carrie said...

I'm praying for you, I know you're going through a rough time, and I hope Bredon is starting to get a little less colicky for you - I'm sure that's very difficult. I'm glad he's giggling & responding more - how fun - Natalie smiles plenty but doesn't giggle yet!

I hope your move is going well, and I pray that with your new house will come a new sense of peace & settledness in this role of 'mom of 2'. Believe me, I know how hard it is - I always wonder if I'm giving each one enough attention, and I don't even have to think of my own health like you do. Praying for your family!!!

Bonnie Gray said...

Whew. What a title, Kelly!

I'm sorry I missed out on the earlier live plot of the move. You are moving?

I'm so sorry I can't be there to help. I could bring over some comfort food, like pasta.

I hope you are all done with the move and it's behind you now. I hope you can get some rest.

Glad you wrote this... the love story can always continue later ..

Anne Lang Bundy said...

Hi Kelly.

I know it doesn't always mean something to hear the words, but "I know how you feel." At least mostly. I know how it feels to feel so overwhelmed that all you do is survival, releasing the necessary, forgetting about the important.

Just do one thing at a time. Ask God for only one answer: The Next Step.

KSolarisL said...

Kelly, Girl,
It is as if you were writing about my week! Had a pregnancy scare myself last week... kids were destroying my house... laundry piled up, Josh was a little sick, the works. Somehow, when I write this stuff down, it kills me to see it in words, so I just pretend it didn't happen. Thanks for this post... helps me know I'm not the only one who feels despair at not keeping up with everything!

The thing that never ceases to amaze me is that in spite of everything... I survive!!!

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