Not Yet Ready, But Love...

Friday, February 5, 2010

Having a little driving time is good for me. I think better as the world passes by, with the movement of car on pavement, with music and lyrics of God-songs telling and retelling about Him, about life, about me.

On my way from my midwife appointment yesterday (at which I discovered that all the contractions I've had haven't been for nothing - I was 4cm dilated!), I was listening again to Vicky Beeching's song, Captivated.

"May my life be one unbroken gaze fixed upon the beauty of Your face..."

Her lyric got caught in the web that is my pregnant brain and took a rabbit trail into the video I shared in the link above.

Instead of seeing myself gazing at Jesus, I saw Him living His life, engaging with others, pursuing and treasuring relationship. I saw how much He valued the ones He loved.

I'm not one to rush out and do things for the sake of doing them. Most of the time, I simply don't have the resources to pour me out the way I often feel that I must. But sometimes, I hold myself back from giving of myself, unready in my heart or in my sense of the proper timing, unwilling to be a hypocrite for the sake of appearances, willing to sacrifice my image for authenticity.

As I looked at Jesus' interactions with those in His life, I couldn't help but acknowledge how little I look like Him sometimes. He poured Himself out ALL the time, it seemed. I am lucky if I can admit to doing it at all for my family.

Mentally, I was ready to check out from this train of thought. There was too much room for guilt, for inadequacy, for failure, for condemnation.

But in His way (God is so gentle with me, it's astounding...), He brought my vision to Cana, in view of Jesus' face when His mother brought the wine situation to Him. I heard His voice, a little strained, unready and uncalled to display Himself in the ministry that would soon consume His whole life.
On the third day there was a wedding in Cana of Galilee, and the mother of Jesus was there. Now both Jesus and His disciples were invited to the wedding. And when they ran out of wine, the mother of Jesus said to Him, “They have no wine.”

Jesus said to her, “Woman, what does your concern have to do with Me? My hour has not yet come.

His mother said to the servants, “Whatever He says to you, do it.”

Now there were set there six waterpots of stone, according to the manner of purification of the Jews, containing twenty or thirty gallons apiece. Jesus said to them, “Fill the waterpots with water.” And they filled them up to the brim. And He said to them, “Draw some out now, and take it to the master of the feast.” And they took it.

When the master of the feast had tasted the water that was made wine, and did not know where it came from (but the servants who had drawn the water knew), the master of the feast called the bridegroom. And he said to him, “Every man at the beginning sets out the good wine, and when the guests have well drunk, then the inferior. You have kept the good wine until now!”

- John 2:1-10
"My hour has not yet come." It is not yet time... I'm not ready...

Yet for love of her, for her trust in His provision, He gave of Himself in spite of it.

I am too often afraid of Jesus until I look into His love.

I may not have much to give right now; I may be unsure of timing, uncertain of my own heart, of the depth of my love for God and for my family.

But I have been given an earthen-vessel Treasure that He means to pour out - how do I know it won't be the best wine at the wedding?


Today is my second "Leftovers" post, and MckLink-up for readers to share your own reposts. I posted the above post at 2:00 a.m., December 17, 2009, two hours before my water broke for Bredon's birth. Obviously, this post got a little overlooked in the "I'm in labor" and "We had a baby!" hoopla. It is one that keeps coming back for me, though so I thought I would post it a bit more currently.

NOTE - I am offering "Leftovers" as an opportunity to justify reposting a post you love. You're welcome to join this carnival of original unoriginality (since you've already said it!) here at my blog - just follow the steps below:

*REPOST a favorite blog post at your blog
*Please kindly INCLUDE A LINK to my blog in your repost ;-)
*LINK the direct link for your repost (not the original post) into the McLinky I will provide here.
*LEAVE A COMMENT so I know you're there.

Hopefully, in two weeks, when I host "Leftovers" again (yeesh, people, if you have a nicer, more poetic, romantic name for it, leave a comment - NOBODY likes leftovers, right?), I will try and have an irresistible button for you (with CODE!) to add to your repost.

(Image © Informal Moments Photography)


Marty said...

I rarely leave a comment...mainly because I'm left speechless because you've nade me think :-) I love your honesty and humbleness. I'm learning much about humility myself lately and Leftovers has given me the opportunity to revisit the very beginning of the journey...thank you!

Shelli @ Hopefully Devoted said...

Confession...I said I gave up trying to come up with a name, but here we are at a new day and it's all I can think about. Tenacious - yes. Weird - definitely!

Shelli @ Hopefully Devoted said...

Oh,oh,'s an idea that you'll either love or hate:

recalling {this}
still pondering {this}
{this} came to mind
reminiscing {this}

Obviously a play on words with your blog name.

This is one of those moments that I wish I had a friend to share this with before saying it out loud. She might roll her eyes, but would not think less of me. Oh well, I'll take the risk.

Dianne said...

Thank you, Kelly, for the chance to repost some of our favorites and I love Shelli's idea of using {this} in whatever title you choose. Good job, Shelli.

kirsten michelle said...

Thank you for sharing this!! Lately I've found myself afraid -- and on top of that, I heaped guilt for feeling afraid when I knew I shouldn't. I was afraid to take it to Jesus, afraid I was too messy.

But yes, His love is so gentle: unflinching in its truth, and unyielding in its grace. He met me in my mess and calmed those fears. He rules over them now. He provides peace.

I think I can give myself over to that.

Blessings & peace to you!!

Bina said...

You gave me the perfect reason to re-post my all-time favorite entry. Wanted to...but thought not...and then saw this and just jumped right in as I needed this refresher today!!

Thanks...and hugs!

Phoenix-Karenee said...

Hmm... I can already tell I'll be linking to you regularly, since I see my thoughts written better than I could have, and God's teaching for you refreshes me all the more for knowing He has generously poured through you and into my heart as well. I count on Him to continue the flow of gifts out from my life also. Thank you.

Laura said...

Sigh. Kelly, I just love to read your thoughts. And yes, going by--the road underneath is a mantra for me too.

love to you.

Graceful said...

I really love this -- in fact, I read through it twice to let your words really sink in (and I rarely do that with blog know how it goes). It reminded me a bit of a post I wrote earlier this week, about finding God in the interruptions that so plague my everyday life.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I'm glad you reposted this, as I missed it the first time around.

I will have to partake in this blog reposting one of these days - sounds like a great idea.

BTW, I absolutely love the photograph, too.

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