Friday, March 19, 2010
I meant to take a page from Robin's book to justify it. I figured since it was my birthday, it would be a fun gift to myself to do it.
To pull out one of the white dresses I dare not wear too often and pose in it for my daily dust project.
I pulled one out, loving the feel of the white that every girl dreams of wearing, that I wore twice just because. This was one of the four I had bought. My first, my favorite, I sold. (I do that with things I love most - push them away and wish them back again too late.)
I slipped into it, reached back for the zipper, which stopped midway.
Oh yeah. I had a baby three months ago.
But I'm stubborn, and I wanted to take that picture, so I went for another one - the one that had been a bit too big when I wore it last.
The zipper stopped again.
I struggled with it. Pulled the dress off, tried again, not quite believing what was happening.
Oh yeah. Change happens. And it has happened to me.
Most birthdays in recent years, I have simply not thought about the fact that I am getting older. My health issues have robbed so much of my youth, so many of my young dreams. I've felt eighty for years.
I just haven't looked at myself. Haven't really thought about it.
But lately, with my self-portrait project, I've been seeing. I have noticed my face is changing. My eyes are older. They carry more weight than they do in younger pictures.
I honestly don't know what to do with it.
Yesterday's post was about renewal, the rest I find in the love of God. Is it that growing in Him means we become younger, more eternal, more refreshed as we learn His life abundant?
The dust I see in the mirror doesn't reflect the glory of Him that renews me. It has never felt like such a stark contrast.
I think I've never been so restless in my own skin.
Pete went out of his way to make me feel loved yesterday. When I got up before seven, he already had a bouquet of tulips awaiting me at my desk.
After I finished writing my post yesterday, I felt cleaner. More finished. It was the post I wanted to write on my birthday, the one about God whose love for me came clear. The one about the best gift I've ever been given, the gift that reaches so deep to the very core of me, that teaches me trust - because I know now I can trust His heart.
Sure, I had to make two crusts for my cherry cheesecake yesterday because B was hollering at me while I worked in the kitchen. And Piper ate a hole in the second crust anyway, the little scamp.
I'm 28 now.
I'm a mom now.
Yet I am His. And all this that surrounds me, the dust I wear... He is more real than reality.
I'm caught between worlds now.
I suspect it's a good place to be.
(Image © Informal Moments Photography)