the day after i turned 28

Friday, March 19, 2010

I meant to take a page from Robin's book to justify it. I figured since it was my birthday, it would be a fun gift to myself to do it.

To pull out one of the white dresses I dare not wear too often and pose in it for my daily dust project.

I pulled one out, loving the feel of the white that every girl dreams of wearing, that I wore twice just because. This was one of the four I had bought. My first, my favorite, I sold. (I do that with things I love most - push them away and wish them back again too late.)

I slipped into it, reached back for the zipper, which stopped midway.

Oh yeah. I had a baby three months ago.

But I'm stubborn, and I wanted to take that picture, so I went for another one - the one that had been a bit too big when I wore it last.

The zipper stopped again.

I struggled with it. Pulled the dress off, tried again, not quite believing what was happening.

Oh yeah. Change happens. And it has happened to me.

Most birthdays in recent years, I have simply not thought about the fact that I am getting older. My health issues have robbed so much of my youth, so many of my young dreams. I've felt eighty for years.

I just haven't looked at myself. Haven't really thought about it.

But lately, with my self-portrait project, I've been seeing. I have noticed my face is changing. My eyes are older. They carry more weight than they do in younger pictures.

I honestly don't know what to do with it.

Yesterday's post was about renewal, the rest I find in the love of God. Is it that growing in Him means we become younger, more eternal, more refreshed as we learn His life abundant?

The dust I see in the mirror doesn't reflect the glory of Him that renews me. It has never felt like such a stark contrast.

I think I've never been so restless in my own skin.

Pete went out of his way to make me feel loved yesterday. When I got up before seven, he already had a bouquet of tulips awaiting me at my desk.

After I finished writing my post yesterday, I felt cleaner. More finished. It was the post I wanted to write on my birthday, the one about God whose love for me came clear. The one about the best gift I've ever been given, the gift that reaches so deep to the very core of me, that teaches me trust - because I know now I can trust His heart.

Sure, I had to make two crusts for my cherry cheesecake yesterday because B was hollering at me while I worked in the kitchen. And Piper ate a hole in the second crust anyway, the little scamp.

I'm 28 now.

I'm a mom now.

A wife.

A woman.

Yet I am His. And all this that surrounds me, the dust I wear... He is more real than reality.

I'm caught between worlds now.

I suspect it's a good place to be.

(Image © Informal Moments Photography)


Cassandra Frear said...

The outer man decays, the inner is renewed.

There is much living still before you. And many gifts of grace.

I feel younger in my heart now than I did at 28. But it's a different kind of young, too. It's a youth that was born before the beginning of my life and that will go on after my life on earth has ended.

We enter the kingdom like a small child. We remain there as God's children. That shapes us.

Blessings to you and a very special birthday. I'm glad He made you.

Anonymous said...

I look in the mirror and see old too. I'm 31 and it shouldn't be that way, I don't think. Between arthritis and early gray and skin that is showing signs of too much time in the sun and the fact that I don't usually have time or money to invest in keeping myself young and pretty . . . yeah. Plus there was a year a couple years ago that hurt so badly it aged me about ten years.

So blessed by those around me who see me with love and grace. It is what I need.

Glynn said...

I'm something more than 28. I think I remember 28. Oh yes, I became a father at 28. And a grandfather at, well, something older than 28.

Things look different now. I think you're finding that thigns look different at 28 than when you were younger. Certain things matter more; some things matter less. And that will continue to change. But God stays the same.

Happy birthday, Kelly.

Maureen said...

I did not have my only until I was almost 37. That was 21 year ago, 22 in August. I enjoy the age I am now. I'm far more confident, definitely more loved. I hope my experience has helped give me a mother's wisdom.

You are beautiful, Kelly. Swirl around the room in your white. Love will touch your face with a soft swish and a whisper. He holds all our lullabies.

And never look back in regret.

Happy Birthday!

A Simple Country Girl said...

such sweet beauty in baring your heart!

birthday blessings.

Sharone said...

I turned 28 a couple of months ago, and it was a little bit of a strange experience for me too. I've always felt older than my age, but this was the first time I can remember feeling younger, and I didn't know what to do with it either.

It sounds like you're in a good place, though. :) And it sounds like your birthday had some lovely moments - two-crust cheesecake and all. :)

Stephani said...

Thanks for your candid honesty in all your posts. We can all relate in some way and it helps us to realize we arent the only ones. Your 28, I'm 43. At your age, I wasn't aware of what time and habits were doing to me, but I am now. I also have parents in their 80's and as I watch them it seems I am more aware than ever that my time is limited. I feel I must do something to stop this snowball that is rapidly rolling downhill. I don't want to become obsessed with losing time, and aging though. I want to somehow figure out how to capture it, and embrace it as a gift. Only God can help me do this. Thanks for sharing!

Becky@ Daily On My Way To Heaven said...

Happy Birthday...and yes, growing older is a joy when you see your children and husband surrounding your life.

May God give you more of His grace to grow in wisdom as time passes by.

Blessings from around the corner.

Melissa_Rae said...

Those photos are beautiful! Glad you had a good birthday. :) Hope this year is full of good light for you.

Corinne said...

I want to dig in my closet and find my dress... you inspire me!
Happy Birthday :) 28 is a pretty good year (I'm staring the second half of that year myself...)
Birthdays are so special, I think. So matter the age, I hope to celebrate with happiness and joy. Renewal, fresh starts and hopes.

Sarah@EmergingMummy said...

Happy birthday, dear girl! (All great people are born in March.) ;-) I used to do the same thing with my wedding dress, just put it on for fun in the house. Then for our third anniversary, as a surprise for me, my husband went and had my dress vacuum-sealed and packed into one of those wedding dress boxes for posterity. Poor man, he thought I'd be thrilled. I cried! It was 7 years ago, but I still get sad about it (even though there is no way on God's green earth I'd fit into it these days!). I feel you on the aging but I have to admit that I love it, love growing older in more ways than I don't. Sure the skin is drooping a bit (and this is very noticeable - it's my 31st today!) but I look at the life behind the lines and think, "yes, that's worth it."

Jackie said...

This post is beautiful! I'm 41 and wish I had your wisdom and insight at will serve you well.

Happy Birthday.


Angela said...

Happy Birthday, Kelly! You're a beautiful woman, inside and out!

Don't let the years worry you. I'm 39 and feel younger than I did at 28. Three years ago I looked and felt like an old woman, with the joy gone out of my life. But God is full of surprises. He loves renewing and restoring us. Just relax and be right where you are today.

Thanks for sharing the journey!

sarah said...

Happy birthday! You are beautiful. At 28, I was still in the midst of my pain, my failing health. At 41, I look back with such sorrow at the lost years. Between 28 and 41 is a long beautiful meadow of life. You are entering it with such wisdom, and beauty, and love. How blessed you are. Blessed indeed to have the zipper stuck, and all that means - a baby, an expression of love, a deep trust in yourself and what your body needs.

the Joneses said...

Happy birthday! You've had a hard road, but you manage to find beauty in it. Also, um, who in the world has THREE wedding dresses?

-- SJ

Anne Lang Bundy said...

Happy, joyful, peaceful birthday to you, every day of the year. I praise God that He created you, that He made you exactly as you are, that He brought you into my life.

I love you!

L.L. Barkat said...

Happy birthday, Sweet One.

Why did this make me cry? I don't know... just did. You feel eighty, but your soul feels timeless when I glimpse it in word and picture.

Bunch of Barrons said...

I think I know just how you feel. Sometimes I don't exactly recognize myself in the mirror. Am I really getting older? Some days I don't feel it...some days I definitely feel it. But that said...I think so many blessing come with the passage of time. I have two little blessings, as do you, to show for it! :) Hope your birthday was wonderful!

deb said...

Happy Birthday precious , Kelly.

you are indeed in a very good place it would seem.

and to let us into it , is an honour.

Kathleen@so much to say, so little time said...

I think that the day we stop obsessing about "feeling" grown up is the day we actually become grown up. You make me want to go try on my wedding dress again. :) I think, ten and a half years out, it actually probably still fits...

I'm glad you had a renewing birthday!

Sally Ferguson said...

Yes, we are dust. But molded as clay and cherished as crystal. How does He do that? :)

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