"What, Trust Him?"

Saturday, August 29, 2009

I've been here before, asking Him where He is, why He doesn't change things, why He allows things. I've been here for me, and for strangers, and for people I love.
Why do the nations rage,
And the people plot a vain thing?
The kings of the earth set themselves,
And the rulers take counsel together,
Against the LORD and against His Anointed, saying,
“Let us break Their bonds in pieces
And cast away Their cords from us.”

- Ps. 2:1-3
I know why they rage. I know why I have wanted to set myself against Him as they do. I feel I have some right to demand His acquiescence to my ideas of life, my boxed-God concept of who He is. I weep with it:
LORD, how they have increased who trouble me!
Many are they who rise up against me.
Many are they who say of me,
“There is no help for him in God.”

- Ps. 3:1-2
Why would He let Himself seem so weak? Why must He always work beneath the surface, in ways we cannot know or see or speak or predict or understand? Why does knowing Him hurt so much sometimes?
But You, O LORD, are a shield for me,
My glory and the One who lifts up my head.
I cried to the LORD with my voice,
And He heard me from His holy hill.

- Ps. 3:3-4
A shield to block enemy blows, or a shield for my eyes, to keep me from understanding until all I do understand is that He is God and I am not? He hears; sometimes He does not move when I want Him to move.
I lay down and slept;
I awoke, for the LORD sustained me.

- Ps. 3:5
Waking. Still breathing. Still sustained. I almost don't wish to be. I almost wish away His help. The waiting is interminable today. This vortex-reality is only partially mine, a growing horror, crushing helplessness. When anything that can go wrong does go wrong without heavenly intervention, when my eyes have no proof of the salvation-God my heart knows is still good, I breathe hopefully, and then I scream, and I remember.
I will not be afraid of ten thousands of people
Who have set themselves against me all around.

Arise, O LORD;
Save me, O my God!

For You have struck all my enemies on the cheekbone;
You have broken the teeth of the ungodly.
Salvation belongs to the LORD.
Your blessing is upon Your people

- Ps. 3:6-8
And blessing doesn't always look like finished houses and lucrative jobs. It doesn't always look like daring rescues and thornless existence.
How long, O LORD? Will You forget me forever?
How long will You hide Your face from me?
How long shall I take counsel in my soul,
Having sorrow in my heart daily?
How long will my enemy be exalted over me?

Consider and hear me, O LORD my God;
Enlighten my eyes,
Lest I sleep the sleep of death;
Lest my enemy say,
“I have prevailed against him”;
Lest those who trouble me rejoice when I am moved.

- Ps. 13:1-4
Consider and hear. Your reputation is on the line here, God. You clothe lilies. You care for sparrows. Why these daily sorrows, weighing more and more?

So I find my love limited by what I can see. If I was God, I would... but I am not. Eternal God, God with no beginning and no end, He is wise to me, to my ways. I must seem very small and weak to Him, when I am weeping over today unaware of His tomorrow-knowledge.

I would take of His bounty without apology, unconscious of my own offense, too offended by His God-ness, nearly blinded to His compassion for me. I do not want to trust; it is my right to withhold me from Him. Perhaps to punish Him, trick Him, manipulate Him to my perspective.

Yet I am naked without Him to clothe me. I am not so powerful as I wish to be. I'm not enough to sway Him. I am not God.

I practically throw my self up into Him now, "here, take it, You want this?" and I throw my loved ones into Him too, though He has held them all along, working heart-work with His God-patience, revealing Him to them in ways I do not know.
But I have trusted in Your mercy;
My heart shall rejoice in Your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD,
Because He has dealt bountifully with me.

- Ps. 13:5-6
My heart shall rejoice. Future tense. More than I can believe in this moment. I will sing to the Lord. Tears and rage and childish petulance falling out into praise of Him. A promise. He will not leave His work in me unfinished.

He does not abandon those He loves. He is near, if I will but be with Him, rest with Him.


Cassandra Frear said...

Trust is hard on us who still wear skin.

Glynn said...

This reads like a psalm within a psalm. Beautifully done.

Monica @Know-Love-Obey God said...

Thank you for pouring out.

dancebythelight said...

"And blessing doesn't always look like finished houses and lucrative jobs. It doesn't always look like daring rescues and thornless existence."

So true. I think we Americans have trouble with this concept more than believers in other countries. I think even those of us who'd never consciously say we believe in the "health and wealth" gospel can fall into the trap. When things get hard we some how go back to a work-based salvation: "God, I don't deserve this raw deal? Haven't I served you, gone to church, done my devotions, etc. etc."

I think John Piper sums it up best when he says, "God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him." In every situation I can seek to be satisfied in God. That's what I've learned most in the trial of my parent's marriage falling apart. I long to not put my hope in a happy marriage, health, kids, nice house, or whatever. It takes trust, for sure. But I've learned to love him so much more through it.

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