if i doubted...

... That P loves me, I don't have too much room. These came yesterday for me. For no reason at all. I can't not post a pic. Especially with both kids napping. Which I think is God's equivalent to the flowers on this rather crazy day.

Just sayin'.





(Image © Informal Moments Photography)

God's heart, my greatest gift

I was sure by now,
God, you would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining...

As the thunder rolls,
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain,
“I’m with you.”
And as You mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

-Casting Crowns, Praise You in This Storm

About that love. About that God who is God in spite of me. About my fear. About the pain that life inflicts indiscriminately. About that holding on...

So many times, in the middle of the storm, I've been here. Begging Him to speak, telling Him He should have done something by now, being good and praising Him in spite of it.

Today, I'm not in the middle of a storm, not a physical or emotional storm, not really. The sun is out, and we have some happy. I can count the gifts He has given, because I can still see them, hear them, hold them, touch them, talk with them.

But I have seen storms. I have lived through storms. Every day I encounter someone else who is walking through a storm I cannot imagine enduring. And sometimes, I can imagine it, and I begin to be afraid. I look down at the waves I've been walking on while I have been looking at Jesus, and I think, "How could He ever be enough for me to endure that?"

Even in Between - One Thousand Gifts

I honestly don't know when you'll get this, he wrote three years ago, while we were waiting for Piper, when he was leaving for another conference, when we couldn't spend time together that we wanted to spend.

This afternoon. Or tomorrow. Or maybe next week...

He gave it to me yesterday, sealing the envelope that had been waiting three years for his kiss, presenting it to me in the midst of our hardest, busiest, most telling season yet.

He gave it now, two babies into our life with children, with stress at home and at work, with a move coming up next weekend and the new house unfinished, with sickness cycling through and two houses to clean, with other responsibilities and financial concerns - there is no time for us.

There wasn't then, either.

He handed it to me; I thought I saw tears in his eyes.

This is our love, he said. Look at the date.

Three years ago, we knew it. Things haven't changed.

This is our love, for each other, for our little ones, for our families, for our God.

You see, time, to us, doesn't matter. We have so little time anyway...

So I am thankful for the time we have.

I cling to the precious moments together, embrace the gifts, sometimes cling too much to them, instead of to the Giver. But they are what I have of Him, or rather, what I see that I have from Him. Given in His love, they seem to be eternal, and my spirit responds outside of time, for one can always be grateful.

*101 - My sweet flower girl, who thinks all the flowers we bring home are for her. She loves to smell them, even if they have no fragrance at all.

*102 - Playtime and toddler stories made up

*103 - Hug requests

*104 - "I'm sorry" to soften my angry heart.

*105 - Trouble to make me laugh in spite of my horror

*106 - Deviled eggs made with daddy - the best we've had in a long time

*107 - Words strung together in grown-up sentences

*108 - She dresses herself to go out and play

*109 - Toddler lilt telling her story in the third person: "Piper hungry"

*110 - Giggles, the high, squeaky, shrieky "can't believe how happy I am" kind

*111 - Making story time to spend and share three times in a busy week

*112 - Tiny fingers grasping mine

*113 - Baby conversations, such sweet, soft hellos

*114 - Smiles, just for Mama

*115 - Innocent eyes that watch mine on gray days, questioning, loving, inviting me in

*116 - Laughter in work for a family photo session

*117 - A little bit extra to help with our load

*118 - Sunlight and spring, warming the month, lifting my spirits

*119 - A little work finished on life-giving projects

*120 - Broken moments together

*121 - Caring in sickness

*122 - Long, steadying embraces

*123 - Together

*124 - Toddler "mooseick", sweet and loud

*125 - Lyrics that play in the heart, that hum past my lips

*126 - God who is more than my today

For all that I miss, there is much I am given.

...


This post also linked at Holy Experience, sharing with the Gratitude Community in listing my own One Thousand Gifts.





(Image © Informal Moments Photography)

Snow Day - A Thousand Gifts

on my way to a thousand,
I left off counting at eighty-one
(and the rest were just free,
unquantifiable gratitude),
so here I'll begin again.

*81 - magic snow light outside windows after the cold dark night

*82 - Yesterday's buds splayed open-handed, encased in gloves of white

*83 - two wishes: both winter and spring in a morning's breath

*84 - "praise" etched now in black and white

*85 - untaught snow angel, flopping down unselfconscious, flying

*86 - neighbor greetings after silent winter, too enchanted to remain inside

*87 - toddler giggles and father-play

*88 - a first snowman, and a job well done

*89 - adorable slippage, running fun

*90 - mama moments, treasuring time

*91 - ready smiles and happy baby eyes, always offering, always receiving

*92 - the end of a shower, fresh talk with God

*93 - husband-heart home, with perfect timing

*94 - long morning naps, and

*95 - evening cuddles

*96 - kitchen-dancing with baby in arms

*97 - daddy and daughter doing dishes together

*98 - new house-in-the-coming, with fresh walls and new floors

*99 - a roof overhead, though the power was out

*100 - valentine smiles, brought home safe, in spite of my fears

...


This post also linked at Holy Experience, sharing with the Gratitude Community in listing my own One Thousand Gifts.





(Image © Informal Moments Photography)

One Thousand Gifts - The Light Shines In

On my dark days, I chase light. I chase it with my eyes, try to breathe it, fiddle with camera settings to capture it so I can look at it later. Sometimes the light comes with words and fullness of Him who is the Light. Always, it draws a smile, a fascination, a curiosity that gives pause in the dark as I am reminded of one sunny day when I noticed it in my window and realized that God had not abandoned me. I was not alone.


I found it playing on the lock and the shade-cord in our bedroom one day when I was nursing.


I found it filtering over winter lilies in a cemetery, surrounded by dead, blooming in spite of the cold that pierced my clothing, froze my fingers. God-who-provides, clothing even the lilies, giving me peace to trust Him for yesterday, for today, for tomorrow.

"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?" (Mt. 6:26)


I caught it lighting my pill ramekin, pulsing over my grandmother's blue plaid, remembering warmth and joy and my favorite safe spot in the world.


Pete and I chased it light over water, glory piercing the clouds, encouraging memories of what we thought when we were children seeing those rays. The camera settings captured what we cannot look upon with naked eye. We remembered heaven, pondered glory that Moses saw, that Moses could not see.

"For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known." (1 Cor. 13:12)


And then there was sun on fire, on tulips my husband bought for me in third-day-gray when we didn't have much money, a promise of spring, hope for sun. Normally, I choose my color instead of the color he picks. This time I chose to trust him. The sun lit up his love, a learning submission.


And here, camera in car, sun remembered to rise after rain, shining all day, setting slow through trees over reddened blue water, reflecting glory we'd seen once before with no camera to capture.

And I know I have spilled it all out here, but the sun rose today, and it's shining here, and soon I will have a new house with a room full of it, and my computer is back, and my camera is charged, and tomorrow I have more pictures to share of my children - one or the other or both.

I'd count out my gifts, but I have lost the number, lost my heart and my head in the Light that shines in, and I am not afraid anymore, for He is with me, even in the valley of the shadow of death, entwining Himself with my cares as He cares for me. And this is a gift too. A thousand in one.

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This post also linked at Holy Experience, sharing with the Gratitude Community in listing my own One Thousand Gifts. I will number today's when I find time again.





(Image © Informal Moments Photography)

As Time Allows

Bredon is here. He is four days old. He looked at me clear-eyed this morning as I was talking to him and he smiled at me. Twice.

I am so in love.


My husband is amazing. You'd have to see to understand. There are no words. We wrapped gifts this afternoon. He is off to the post office to mail the stuff.


Piper has grown up overnight. I hold her, and she is huge compared to her brother, but her heart is the same. She is just talking more. I cry more when I am with her.

I remember her small when I hold Bredon; something in my hands knows he is not so tiny as she was. I don't feel so helpless.

We are living now, resting, eating, learning our life all over - winding down two hours earlier than before, getting to bed two hours later before we wake again. I know time passes; the sun rises and sets and brings us closer to dates we've marked on the calendar. I wait for my heart to wake, putting things away as buried treasure, accepting the moments I own. I have enough for today.

I have so much...

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This post also linked at Holy Experience, sharing with the Gratitude Community in listing my own One Thousand Gifts. I will number today's when I find time again.





(Image © Informal Moments Photography)

"Acknowledge Him in All Your Ways..."

Today I am reminded of a song. It's on replay at the moment in my mind. I can't help the music, no matter how still I try to be, I can't turn it off.

Gratitude, by Nichole Nordeman

Send some rain, would You send some rain?
'Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again
And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade
Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?
Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down
Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid
But maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case ...

We'll give thanks to You with gratitude
For lessons learned in how to thirst for You
How to bless the very sun that warms our face
If You never send us rain

Daily bread, give us daily bread
Bless our bodies, keep our children fed
Fill our cups, then fill them up again tonight
Wrap us up and warm us through
Tucked away beneath our sturdy roofs
Let us slumber safe from danger's view this time
Or maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case ...

We'll give thanks to You with gratitude
A lesson learned to hunger after You
That a starry sky offers a better view
If no roof is overhead
And if we never taste that bread

Oh, the differences that often are between
Everything we want and what we really need

So grant us peace, Jesus, grant us peace
Move our hearts to hear a single beat
Between alibis and enemies tonight
Or maybe not, not today
Peace might be another world away
And if that's the case ...

We'll give thanks to You with gratitude
For lessons learned in how to trust in You
That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream
In abundance or in need
And if You never grant us peace ...

But, Jesus, would You please ...

It is not raining today, though it is gray, gray, gray.

I don't know how to pray right now beyond that aching please... But He does give, and has given where I haven't asked. I'm trying to remember this today, trying to draw near, trying to trust.

Realizing that He knows, has already known this today-journey of my heart toward His...

*66: Saturday roses and little girl "smells"

*67: Christmas gift pretties

*68: Sleep for tired

*69: Morning that comes

*70: Quiet hours

*71: Humble

*72: God who sees

*73: Conversations with my mom who has been here before

*74: Sweet potato hash browns with eggs for breakfast

*75: Hunger for more

*76: Learning God-stillness

*77: More than I remember

*78:"Okie" and "Pe Pan" and "'Cle Kate"

*79: Friends who encourage

*80: Knowing He is enough.

"A man’s heart plans his way, But the LORD directs his steps." (Proverbs 16:9)

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This post also linked at Holy Experience, sharing with the Gratitude Community in listing my own One Thousand Gifts.





(Image © Informal Moments Photography)

Considering Grace

Then they said to Him, “What shall we do, that we may work the works of God?”

Jesus answered and said to them, “This is the work of God, that you believe in Him whom He sent.”

- Jn. 6:28-29

I consider what He does not demand, remembering words shared in nighttime with one who does not yet grasp this faith, and I am awed. Who am I that I should understand? What have I done that He should bestow such grace so freely upon me that I should do this work He ordained for me?

The listing comes easier today:

*51: Today, I know who I am in Him

*52: I am not afraid

*53: Rose-gold light and

*54: Autumn-Christmas leaves afire with glory

*55: Baby-growth in-womb waiting

*56: Quiet to rest for God-timing

*57: Sun when it was supposed to be cloudy

*58: Tears - not all are bad

*59: Snow to make a younger brother's dream come true

*60: A younger sister's horse-dream realized

*61: Onesies and stocking-stuffers come by mail

*62: Conversations and prayers with loved ones waiting

*63: Community who cares where I did not know

*64: Three more projects finished and

*65: An unexpected toddler nap

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This post also linked at Holy Experience, sharing with the Gratitude Community in listing my own One Thousand Gifts.






(Image © Informal Moments Photography)

Reflecting - A Gratitude Ramble

"Well, I'm outta here. See ya later!" He threw up his hands with an intentionally crazy grin and danced away to the tune of the toddler's "it's the end of the world!" mourning. She was prostrate on the floor in the living room, loudly making her case for another day home for Daddy.

It was a sweet (and Sauer - groan if you must, I had to say it!) testimony to a few things I've been collecting on my gratitude list this week, in spite of the sick and the ick we've had at our house.

(And if you think this thankfulness makes me very spiritual, you really need to visit our house to see just how UN-spiritual I have been this week. From wanting credit for my service to whining all day yesterday to pretty much giving up because I haven't felt appreciated - I'm NOT exactly the Proverbs 31 woman here...)

No, I've just been listing goodnesses I noticed this week. I suppose you could say I've really been collecting graces - you know, the stuff God gives in spite of me. Nothing I deserve and all that.

*35: Watching dad and daughter bond through a week of sick.

*36: Finishing my final wedding processing before baby

*37: A Saturday with no processing hanging over my head

*38: Time to enjoy with my family without job responsibility to anyone else

*39: Money that came with exact timing to meet exact need

*40: Two friends with babies safe-birthed in the last two days

*41: Hot showers and steam for congested lungs and heads

*42: Kleenex and symptom relief

*43: A chance to take pictures because I want to

*44: Needed perspective for thankful seemingly overdone

*45: Six days of gray to enjoy a warm house with Christmas cozy

*46: Sunlight after gray.

*47: Christmas tree in the corner with unlost lights in sun. (rearranging miracle, let me note!)

*48: Heart-tender for hard conversations

*49: Scattered rest at night - with breath for sleeping

*50: Nothing pressing on my to-do list.

The photo above is a reflected self-portrait I shot in a shop window during our walk on King Street last year, a walk Pete offered to repeat this last weekend as my health deteriorated. Sigh. I have it as my background photo on my computer now, a reminder that Christmas is coming, a reflection of who I was a year ago.

I'm not so different now, I think. Sure, I'm a mom to two instead of one now. Freed from photographical responsibilities until I choose to take them on again (oh, I'm loving that one!).

Suddenly finding unfettered time to reflect a little, driving around a bit by myself last weekend, I find I am less weighed down than I was. I've been reflecting lately, looking for my reflection, checking for baby-weight and heart-weight and learning to rest and wait for God to convict if He wishes.

Sometimes, all I can do is lay out the "Search me, O God and know my heart" and let Him decide whether He wants to tell me what He knows or not.

This is grace too, I think. He doesn't burden me with me before affirming my knowledge of His heart for me.

Still pretty foggy today - please bear with my rambling. At least I'm mostly conscious!

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This post also linked at Holy Experience for One Thousand Gifts.

(Well, when Ann returns to it after an incident with scissors, it will be linked.)





(Image © Informal Moments Photography)